So this week I had a plan and I changed the plan and I had absolutely nothing. So I decided just to fuck around and be silly. In fact this is a silly picture I took of me to make my kids laugh. Hope you do too.

HIGHLIGHTS

And I had an idea. I had a plan. I had a plan, you know, with what I wanted to do, and then I decided to to abandon the plan because I didn't want to talk about it anymore, and that's the thing that's beautiful about living in America. Besides the fact you get to pay like a house mortgage for for groceries and car payment for gas, you can make changes and you can change your mind, and no one can say shit, but you know the funny thing is when you do change your mind and you do say shit, then people like aw dump on you and tell you that you're wrong and shit. So I am just going to be me today, and I am just going to let shit fly, and whatever happens happens

my favorite show of all time is a show that was on USA Network. It was about eight years ago when they finished it. It was called mr. Robot, and mr. Robot starred Rami. Oh my God! What is his fucking last name? This is what happens when you get old. I used to like just be able to, I used to be able to just rattle out people's names. So Christian Slater was in it. I can tell you that much. My God, what is this fucking guy's name? Holy shit! Rami Malek. Why the hell can I remember that?

I talk about my mental disorders in some detail and how I have been able to see the positive things that came from them in order to get to the "next level" of life. We can change perspectives of what is happening, despite we can't change what is happening. I guess it goes back to that Tony Robbins shit when he say "life isn't happening to you, its happening for you." But I will take the for you part because at the end of the day, shit just happens. Also a nice little PSA for mental health professionals that don't want to take on BPD clients.

HIGHLIGHTS FROM SHOW

I hope you are feeling great. I know that I have my vanilla cortados sitting right next to me, and I just feel amazing. It takes Starbucks, a corporation, to make me feel amazing. Oh my God, I am just feeling it today. I am feeling the love, the love of the caffeine and the espresso and the slave labor going through my veins. Yes, yes, I am.

I talk about my mental disorders in some detail and how I have been able to see the positive things that came from them in order to get to the "next level" of life. We can change perspectives of what is happening, despite we can't change what is happening. I guess it goes back to that Tony Robbins shit when he say "life isn't happening to you, its happening for you." But I will take the for you part because at the end of the day, shit just happens. Also a nice little PSA for mental health professionals that don't want to take on BPD clients.

So we have to find ourselves in the fury of the storm, and learn how we're going to withstand it. Learn how we're going to be able to look at the eye of the tiger with the fear that the tiger can rip us apart, but knowing that the tiger really can't and the tiger won't. Being in that storm, it's not always about running for shelter. It's about looking the storm in the eye and trying to get through it because maybe there is no shelter. Maybe shelter is not readily available at the moment. You're fighting through the storm, there's wind, there's rain, there's thunder, there's lightning. It's fucking scary. You just saw a tree 200 feet away from you get struck by lightning, and now the motherfucker's on fire. And you're standing there like, "What the fuck am I gonna do? So you have two choices in life. Your first choice is you can stand there and probably get consumed and die, or your second is you try to find safety, and yes, finding safety may not be easy all the time. Finding safety is a challenge within itself, but you can find it if you are looking for it.

Now lets get back on track here. I talk about how I am going to rebuild myself from the setback last week and move forward. I talk about the quest to find what worked for me before and getting back there, and making sure nothing or nobody stops me,

HIGHLIGHTS

Last week was a terrible episode, and I mean, some people are gonna say it was so vulnerable. You you were so vulnerable. No, it was fucking Disgusting. It was disgusting because I sat here and I wanted you all to feel sorry for me, because I was feeling sorry for myself, and I don't know. Maybe I didn't want you guys to feel sorry for me, but the truth of the matter is, I was like a, I, I don't know why I'm gonna say this, but I'm just gonna say probably because I'm full of caffeine and piss and vinegar right now. I was like a little fucking whiny bitch last week. I was, no, no, no doubts, no questions, no nothing. I just was sitting there worrying about a bunch of shit that I put in my mind. I was worrying about a bunch of shit that just kind of, just kind of popped into my head, right? And I think, I think I've been carrying a lot of depression because I think I realized a few things about my life, and one of the things that I think I learned about my life is I have given up any kind of forward motion that I was in the process of doing. I think I lost myself. I think I lost a lot of what I was doing, and I think that I was feeling sorry, maybe some sorrow, because maybe a little part of me was dying. And I think the thing about mental health that we always forget is that it is a process.

Well, I felt, and I think that's what I've been feeling like. Is I feel like I've been getting taken advantage of by quite a few people, and some of those people are people that are close to me. So that's hard. That's that's a hard thing to deal with. No one wants to be played for by a fool. No one ever wants to do that, you know. No one ever wants to be in that spot where they feel like they're a fool for someone's loving. No one wants to ever feel stupid And I think, at the end of the day, we have to understand that everyone in life plays the fool, whether we like it or not, and we just have to understand that's just the way it is. Sometimes you can choose not to, or you can play along, but it's going to happen in your life, and you just have to deal with it.

I want people to see me because of who I am. I want them to feel me because of the energy I bring, and I want them to recognize me. I want them to recognize me because I want them to know that if they see me, they are getting someone who is for fucking real. That isn't phony. That isn't a fake. That isn't here just to fucking do things for a reaction. Granted, that has been my mo for most of my life, but right now, I just, I just got shit to say, man, and I've got a story to tell, and I've got bad parts of that story where I did heinous, fucking unbelievable shit to people, and I have good parts of that story where I really pulled people out of the dark. I found ways to help people, and that's the thing that's beautiful, is your story always finds a chance to restart. But sometimes in life, when you know that people are just not who they are, and they're not going to appreciate you, and there ain't freaking jack shit you can do about it,