『75. Calm isn't the goal. Confidence is.』のカバーアート

75. Calm isn't the goal. Confidence is.

75. Calm isn't the goal. Confidence is.

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What if helping your child feel better right now isn’t the same thing as helping them become confident over time?Because when your anxious child is spiraling, every instinct in your body says the same thing.→ Make this easier→ Help them calm down→ Get them through the moment→ Whatever it takes, just make the fear stopAnd of course it does. That instinct comes from love.In my latest podcast episode, I sat down with Dr. Christopher Willard, a clinical psychologist and author of twenty books on mindfulness and self-compassion, and he gave me a way of thinking about anxiety that I haven’t stopped turning over since we recorded it.He compares your child’s anxiety to a smoke alarm. Not a fire alarm. A smoke alarm.It’s completely normal for that alarm to go off when there’s no actual danger in the room. That jolt of panic or dread your child feels doesn’t mean something is wrong with them. Their nervous system is doing exactly what it was built to do. It’s trying to protect them.Here are three shifts from our conversation.1. You are the tool, not the techniqueDr. Willard put it plainly. When kids are anxious, or panicking, or shutting down, the best resource in the room isn’t a breathing exercise or a script. It’s you, staying present and steady, even while they’re dysregulated.I know it’s hard to hear that when you’re already stretched thin. It doesn’t mean you have to be calm all the time. It means your presence matters more than your perfect response.2. Repair matters more than the ruptureWe talked about what happens when you lose your patience, and he shared a story about snapping at his own wife in front of his kids that made me feel a lot less alone in my own imperfect moments.His point wasn’t that the outburst was fine. It’s that what your child actually learns from is watching you come back afterward. How do you apologize? How do you reconnect? That’s the part that shapes them, not the mistake itself.3. Relief and confidence aren’t always the same thingThis is the part that stuck with me most.Sometimes a child feels calmer because the hard thing went away. Because the plan changed. Because someone stepped in. Because the uncertainty disappeared.That relief is real. But confidence grows from something different. It grows when a child starts discovering, “This feels hard, and I can still handle it.”Click here to listen to the full conversation with Dr. Willard, including his thoughts on teaching kids self-compassion through play, why conflict with your child isn’t the problem, and the three-breath practice he gives to parents who feel like they’re about to lose it the second they walk in the door.To learn more about Dr. Christopher Willard:https://www.drchristopherwillard.comWant more support?That conversation with Dr. Willard really stuck with me, especially the part about the alarm system in our brains. When you see your child spiraling, everything in you wants to make it easier, help them calm down, get them through the moment. And that instinct comes from love.But here’s the question I’ve been thinking about a lot lately. Is helping my child feel better right now the same thing as helping them become more confident over time?Not always.That’s why I keep coming back to this idea: calm isn’t the goal. Confidence is.This is exactly what Dr. Willard and I are digging into together in a free live webinar called From Anxiety to Confidence.We’re going to talk about why anxious patterns can keep repeating even when you’re doing everything you can to help, why immediate relief and lasting confidence aren’t always the same thing, and how anxiety can start quietly organizing more and more of family life.If you’ve got a child who struggles with worry, whether that shows up as separation anxiety, bedtime struggles, school avoidance, social anxiety, reassurance-seeking, control, or a nervous system that seems to be on high alert more often than you’d like, I’d really love to have you there.Join us for From Anxiety to ConfidenceConnect with Dajana Yoakley Delight in ParentingStep #1: Get the 3 Steps to Reset Your Nervous System FREE Guide.Step #2: Connect With The FREE Facebook Community.Step #3: Follow me on Social Media:https://www.instagram.com/delightinparenting/https://www.facebook.com/delightinparentingcoaching/www.youtube.com/@DelightinParentinghttps://www.linkedin.com/in/delightinparenting/ This is a public episode. If you'd like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit delightinparenting.substack.com/subscribe
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