What if some of the patterns you’re trying to get rid of aren’t signs that something is wrong with you, but signs that something in you got really good at protecting you?

In this episode, I’m getting personal about my own exploration of hypervigilance and looking at the surprising connections between people-pleasing, defensiveness, boundaries, and the ways we protect ourselves long after the original danger has passed.

In this episode, we explore:

• Why hypervigilance doesn’t always look like fear. Sometimes it looks like preparation, anticipating, rehearsing, and reading the room.

• The “smoke detector” metaphor and what happens when a protective system becomes so sensitive that everything starts looking like danger.

• A question I’m asking myself: “Am I responding to what is actually happening between us, or am I responding to what I’m preparing myself for them to do?”

• How people-pleasing can protect us from having to experience someone else’s disappointment, anger, or hurt.

• Why the opposite of people-pleasing is NOT “I don’t care how you feel.”

• The difference between managing someone’s emotions and taking responsibility for how you participate in a relationship.

• How boundaries can sometimes swing into armor.

• Defensiveness and the powerful question: “Am I trying to be understood, or am I trying to win the case?”

• How to care about someone else without abandoning yourself.

• What I’m taking away from another full week of RIM training, plus the emerging peer-reviewed research examining what may be happening during the RIM process.

• Why awareness isn’t about turning yourself into another problem to solve.

And your practice this week is simple:

Catch your alarm once.

Notice when you’re scanning, rehearsing, people-pleasing, getting defensive, or building the case.

Then ask:

“What am I protecting right now?”

and

“Does this moment actually require this much protection?”

Maybe liberation isn’t throwing away everything that once protected us.

Maybe it’s learning when we need it...and when we can finally put some of it down.

RESOURCES + WORK WITH ME

Private 1:1 Coaching
Learn about working with me privately

RIM — Regenerating Images in Memory
Learn about RIM, read client experiences, explore the research, or book a private RIM experience with me:
Explore RIM with Annie

Retreats for Later-in-Life Lesbians
Come laugh, rest, connect, be known, and practice being yourself around other women who get it:
See upcoming retreats

RIM Research
The RIM research discussed in this episode is a 2025 peer-reviewed exploratory study published in Frontiers in Psychology. The study examined participant self-report measures and EEG activity during the RIM process.
Read the peer-reviewed RIM study

NEXT WEEK

What happens when “I can take care of myself” quietly becomes “I don’t feel safe needing anyone”?

We’re talking about independence, hyper-independence, interdependence, and how to trust yourself deeply without making self-sufficiency the price of feeling safe.

The Liberated Lesbian Lounge with Annie M Henderson

Keep untangling. Keep trusting. Keep becoming.