"We're waiting for [substances] to jump out of you in the parking lot because you were out there doing push-ups. My life was consumed by substances for all that time, and you're constantly waiting for something to get you."

Guest Joan points to something spoken ad nauseum, but not in her framing. We speak so much about using and relapse in AA, but never that this dialogue keeps us constantly thinking about substances.

Isn't the point of sobriety to remove yourself from this use disorder—the obsession?

It wasn't until Joan learned about the abstinence violation effect that she could understand why this zoom in on drinking and using wasn't serving her.

The abstinence violation effect (AVE) is a psychological reaction where a minor slip or mistake turns into a full relapse because a person views the initial lapse as a total personal failure

What Happens During AVE

• All-or-Nothing Thinking: Believing that breaking a rule even once means you have completely failed.
• Negative Emotions: Experiencing intense guilt, shame, and hopelessness.
• The "What’s the Point?" (bucket of fuck-its in AA land) Attitude: Deciding that since you already ruined your streak, you might as well give in completely.
• Escalation: Turning a single mistake (like eating one piece of junk food or having one drink) into a massive, uncontrolled recurrence of the old habit.

It's the first time I've met someone who was told by her own sponsor (on multiple occasions) that she needed to leave AA. She did; it was killing her. 13 Steppers, love bombers, and a home group that really took "groupthink" way too far had caught up with her. She gave her all to this program—for 26 years—only to be called "crazy" and banished.

She's new to going it without AA; a program where all her friends still congress. She is still deprogramming; remembering to not overextend herself, say yes to everything, and sacrifice her own needs for others. Her own therapist told her she's not allowed to help people right now. She's broken that rule twice; it's simply a challenging task.

For those who don't know, 13 stepping is when a member of authority preys on a vulnerable member, typically someone new or very young. 13 steppers are commonly AA heroes, and if they're not, a sponsor will tell you to just ignore them—dead stop. There are no repercussions for the 13 stepper, but victims are often blamed for being in their line of fire. It's up to the vulnerable member to try a different meeting, pray for the 13 stepper, and so on.

I would be remiss to say that part of the AA defense is that "not all meetings are like that" and "not all male members are like that," but plenty are, and vulnerable members are not set up to defend themselves. So how does anyone avoid this predatory environment if they already have a target on them? Has anyone ever actually been predatory-free by "trying another meeting"? There are predators in women's meetings, too.

People who have had enough of this 13-step program are told they have a bad program, that they're crazy, and that they asked for it. A place of safety turns into the most unsafe environment at the flip of a coin.

Joan never stopped speaking about these predators, and being gaslit so many times can make anyone feel crazy. Despite all the conditioning and grooming she went through, she still sees how harmful those members could be, and I'm so glad she didn't submit to their demands.

If you're considering leaving AA, your reasons are valid. Even when we think we're fully programmed into a group thinking that doesn't serve us, the real versions of ourselves are in there—screaming to get out.

You're welcome on the other side; we're having a lot of fun.

Thank you, Joan; you brave, smart spirit!