What is inside?

Entertainment.

I went to a nice restaurant and ordered coffee; there was not any cream on the table. So, my wife pulled out her left breast and fixed me up. While she had it out, I took a few pulls on it. The manager came over and said I would have to leave. I reminded him that I knew the bartender where he drank beer; he then said, “Well, okay, we will make an exception this time." Man, it sure pays to know the right people. Sometimes bartenders seem like your best friend, but are they?

Looking for a job.

How in the hell can I put this? I guess I may as well tell the truth. Yep, I am a liar. But don’t let that influence your judgment about my character. And I do not want to say what I look like - that might give some people a bad impression of me. I know if I had ever grown to be six-foot-tall with blue eyes, I could have been a real special guy. Well, I do realize that part of the problem is I got disgusted, then I got busted, and now I can’t be trusted. And those are some of my good points. So, with that kind of background, who would give me a job?

I went to a bank, and they wouldn’t even let me fill out an application. They said my ragged pants and dirty shirt wasn’t in line with their dress code. I think that guy was trying to insult me, so I blew my nose on his nice clean desk and walked out. I have allergies issues, so you know it was a big mess. Now, why would a person do a thing like that? I did that number on his desk because, well, I don’t have to put up with being sneered at, like I am a stray dog. Even though I sleep out in the woods and the desert sometimes, I do have my pride. That was what I showed Ole Porky the Banker. That I could make a real mess, and I was proud it only took me one blow of the snozz. So from now on, he is off my holiday-card list....