I messed up! But no worries because TV icons Letterman, Lorraine, Paxman, and Ellen are all on my side. Those shiny, chatty people combined with my controversial concept of jogger fancying will win back my precious family from the Blob a.k.a. mega-rich bastard Max Cocklash.

Well, that’s my Lycra-fetish-inspired plan anyway.

I’ve built it...and the Jogger Fanciers, the biggest bunch of misfits who fit each other have come.

I’ve reinvented me, Gerry, the failed stockbroker as Stuka, the biggest jogging guru since Jim Fixx. I adore my wife and children, but through my own megalomania I’ve lost them. My ex is convinced she’s in love with the Blob, but I know better because I crave female asses clad in Lycra...oh the sweet order out of chaos they represent.

Jogger fancying has taken me from poverty to a private jet that cruises to London, New York, and an audience of the world’s top movie stars and celebrities in LA.

And then there’s Oprah, my one Scottish temptation. Add Nike, Adidas, Ralph Lauren, Irish ghostly goings-on, and Nazis into the mix, and you have a story that will make you laugh...cry, and hopefully jog!

Warning: Strong language, gratuitous violence, vernacular, '70s/'80s music, and kilts like mini-skirts make fantastic listening.

I’m a different person, and I’ve turned my world around.

I’m Gerry Robertson, I’m having a nervous breakdown, and you’re all invited. Jog on!