How it started: An accidental phone grab during my rehearsal dinner while my fiancé went to use the restroom.

How it ended: Reading all the dirty texts between him and my maid of honor, aka little sister, during our vows in front of the world in what would later be considered one of the most viral wedding videos on TikTok. Did I mention his vows were before mine, and he compared me to my adopted dog because, and I quote, “I’m so loyal”?

My first instinct, after exposing his dirty lies, was to run up to the clueless rockstar who was supposed to headline my reception and ask him to sing my tears away. I never expected him to help me escape certain disaster, kiss me senseless, and then buy me ice cream.

But that was all in the past—until I’m staring down at a wedding invitation from my ex. You see, he swapped sisters, and now a year later, they’re getting married at a gorgeous winery while I’m still staring down at a plus one, wondering if I can bring my pet turtle. In desperation, I send a drunken text to the hot rockstar with a picture of my turtle in a bowtie. Who knew he'd show up at the wedding—but get this, it isn’t to save me. Nope, it's to SING! SHE STOLE HIM TOO!

But now that he’s there and I’m there and the history is there, I beg him one more time to save me, this time as my date. But lie after lie just keep pouring out of my mouth until we're somehow fake-engaged. I would laugh if crying didn’t feel so good. Should have brought the freaking turtle...