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The Onion’s cofounder and longest-serving editor-in-chief Scott Dikkers regales readers with never-before-told anecdotes from the beloved satiric newsroom in this celebration of creativity, resilience, and the transformative power of jokes delivered in AP style.

Life is built on single decisions. Choose wisely. It’s one of life coach Nikki Parekh’s mottos. That and being open to opportunities and taking leaps without fear. But when Nikki accepts her boyfriend’s casual proposal of marriage, she wonders if it’s just too soon, too spontaneous—and so sudden that she seeks out the advice of her not-so-nurturing mother, Tara. To Nikki’s surprise, Tara, who raised her daughter to be self-sufficient, urges Nikki to trust her decision.

It’s the night before her wedding, and Cassidy Baum isn’t sure she wants to get married…Or maybe she just doesn’t want to get married on set, surrounded by cameras and crew, with the crushing weight of everyone watching. As a production assistant, Cassidy’s used to being behind the camera, not in front of it. But her fiancé is a former child star and musician, and their wedding makes the perfect spin-off for Honeymoon Stage, the groundbreaking celebreality show she once worked on.

A crazy promise is still a promise. Zoey Jones is spreading her late mother’s ashes along a path her eccentric grandma G-Lo followed in 1972: David Bowie’s Ziggy Stardust tour. G-Lo was no ordinary groupie. According to her, Zoey’s mom was conceived somewhere between Memphis and Malibu, and Zoey’s grandpa is the glam rock icon himself. Revving up G-Lo’s old Cutlass, complete with her mother’s journal and a Ziggy Stardust 8-track, Zoey hits the open road.

Meet Charlie King. He’s doing great! Honestly. A fantastic job, two solid best mates and a girlfriend who might just be The One. Life is good. Perfect, even. So why is he waking up in a cold sweat? Why does his heart keep trying to punch its way out of his chest? Charlie should probably see a doctor. That’s what everyone keeps telling him. But it’s not that bad. He just needs a decent night’s sleep. Other than that, he’s Totally Fine. Except for that car crash a few months ago—the one he barely remembers. The one he hasn’t thought about at all.

After three marriages and a lot of living, resilient Billie Slate knows exactly what trouble love can bring. Now she’s reinvented herself as the Heartbreak Bunny, an on-call performance artist who can heal anyone who’s been burned by that four-letter word, LOVE, by hopping about and whisking away sad mementos from their past relationships. Call it magic. Call it peculiar. But her bunny costume is as perfect as her breakup mantra: SNAP OUT OF IT.

Newly installed at All Souls Lutheran, Mallory “Pastor Pete” Peterson soon realizes that her church isn’t merely going through turbulent waters, but is a sinking ship. With the help of five loyal members of the Naomi Circle, the young, bold minister brainstorms fundraising ideas. They all agree that the usual recipe book won’t add much to the parish coffers, but maybe one with all the ingredients on how to heat up relationships rather than casseroles will…

Jake Carlisle is living his best life, thanks to the crazily successful influencer channel he created with his best friend Sy. Reviewing whacky hobbies and adrenaline-fuelled adventures, Sy has pushed Jake into doing more exciting stuff than either ever thought possible. Then disaster strikes. When newbie Helena joins the team, Sy quickly falls head over heels for her…All of a sudden, with romance blossoming and the business dynamic shifting, Jake is horrified to find himself becoming the dreaded third wheel.

Jack Parker didn’t set out to be a stay-at-home dad, but his professional dreams went up in smoke after he accidentally burned down his office building. Six years later, Jack’s got parenting his two kids down cold. Then comes an unwelcome blast from Jack’s past: high school nemesis Chad Henson. He beat out Jack for class president, stole his girlfriend, and never had so much as a pimple in his four years of adolescent bliss. Now Chad has moved to the same midwestern town Jack calls home.

Laurie Notaro has proved everyone wrong: she didn’t end up in rehab, prison, or cremated at a tender age. She just went gray. At past fifty, every hair’s root is a symbol of knowledge (she knows how to use a landline), experience (she rode in a car with no seat belts), and superpowers (a gray-haired lady can get away with anything). Though navigating midlife is initially upsetting—the cracking noises coming from her new old body, receiving regular junk mail from mortuaries—Laurie accepts it. And then some.

On the one-year anniversary of her divorce, Alex Martinez is getting closure—and margaritas with her two best friends. But just before the celebratory meetup, Alex is clobbered by life once again. Damping the cheer is the diagnosis of a brain tumor she can’t pronounce, a procedure she’d rather postpone, and the prospect of what to say to an already heartbroken mother. Not that Alex plans to tell her anything anytime soon.

Cameroon, 1929. As colonial powers fight for influence in Africa, French military surgeon Eugène Jamot is dispatched to Cameroon to lead the fight against sleeping sickness there. But despite his humanitarian intentions, the worst comes to pass: seven hundred local villagers are left blind as a result of medical malpractice by a doctor under Jamot’s watch.

Lifelong New Yorker Ronnie Khan never thought she’d leave Queens. She’s not an “aim high, dream big” person - until she meets socialite wellness guru Marley Dewhurst. Marley isn’t just a visionary; she’s a revelation. Seduced by the fever dream of finding her best self, Ronnie makes for the desert mountains of Sedona, Arizona. Healing yoga, transcendent hikes, epic juice cleanses...Ronnie consumes her new bougie existence like a fine wine. But is it, really? Or is this whole self-care business a little sour?

Meena Dave is a photojournalist and a nomad. She has no family, no permanent address, and no long-term attachments, preferring to observe the world at a distance through the lens of her camera. But Meena’s solitary life is turned upside down when she unexpectedly inherits an apartment in a Victorian brownstone in historic Back Bay, Boston.

When Rita McCall discovers her husband’s affair, there isn’t a lick of surprise—not a single tear or broken heart. Just a wife and mother who’s over it and ready to watch her twenty-three-year marriage go up in flames. Sticking close, thick as thieves since childhood, Rita’s unfailingly loyal cousins Jemel and Sharae become her lifeline. They stand beside her as she contemplates a new career and navigates the murky waters of being a preacher’s daughter disgraced by scandal.

Forty-one years old, the last of her friends to marry, and down to a size 12, Lauren Leo is in her gown and about to tie the knot. There’s just one thing missing: the groom. With one blindsiding text, Lauren is unceremoniously dumped at the altar. In the aftermath, her mother is an endless well of unsolicited advice (Stay on your diet and freeze your eggs). Her sisters only add to the Great Humiliation: one is planted on Lauren’s couch while the other is too perfect.

Wendy Moore hides her collection of pilfered bric-a-brac from everyone, including her husband. He thinks she licked her kleptomania in therapy more than a decade ago. Therapy did help, as did focusing her attention on motherhood. But now Wendy’s gardening and furniture-refinishing hobbies fill up only so much of the day, leaving the recent empty nester lonely and anxious—a combination likely to trigger her little problem. She needs a project, fast. Luckily, Harper Ross—a single, childless younger woman in desperate need of highlights—just moved in next door.

Four years into her marriage, Jenna is blindsided when her husband asks for a divorce. With time on her hands and her life in flux, she agrees to accompany her eccentric grandmother Evelyn on a road trip to the seaside Massachusetts town where much of their family history was shaped. When they hit the road, Evelyn spins the tale of the star-crossed teenage romance that captured her heart more than seventy years ago and changed the course of her life.

Amy and Joel’s honeymoon in the Maldives was the perfect week of love, sun, sex and a free minibar...but unfortunately, it was also the high point of a marriage that quickly descended into an absolute disaster zone. Eight years on, they’re back in paradise, trying to recreate the magic with new partners. What a crying shame they’ve picked the same week to do it. Trapped together on an island small enough to spit across with the wind behind you, Amy and Joel pick up right where they left off: at total loggerheads.

From the self-proclaimed Queen of the Stunted Late Bloomers and one of the most exciting emerging voices in comedy comes an honestly funny memoir about the awkward, cringeworthy, hilarious, and longest possible journey of coming of age and into her own.