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For Twilight fans and beyond: the ultimate guide to love and sex, vampire-style. Women daring and lucky enough to discover romance with a vampire claim to enjoy the most intense love and sex of their lives. But how do you find a vampire of your very own? And just how do you get him interested in ravishing you within an inch of your life? Will the ecstasy of the coupling be worth the inherent risks of vampire love—the risks of drinking your blood, the risks of secrecy, and the risks of betrayal?

Now several years post-divorce, relationship expert and humorist Mark Miller has experienced more than 500 first dates. In 500 Dates, composed of 55 humor essays, Miller features the highlights and lowlights of those dates.

The compelling story of a family of fervent God-botherers which may or may not be a family memoir and is certainly full of tall tales.

Hipster aliens! Existentially aware smart toilets! Instant genital swapping! The future will be all of these things and so much more in Conan/Daily Show writer Rob Kutner's collection of "quick hits" on what could be but probably shouldn't.

Set in 1930s Russia, this darkly humorous, tragic, and ultimately heroic novel tells the tale of Vladimir, an eight-year-old Russian boy suddenly stricken with a chronic case of the hiccups. He soon finds himself spirited away to a Moscow hospital by the famous physician Sergei Namestikov, who puts him through a series of extraordinaryand often bizarretreatments in an effort to find a cure.

Offering advice on exercise (walk, don't run) and insomnia (read Solzhenitsyn), Friedman takes the pulse of the aging American male - and finds him still in need of some good satire.

Bird-loving Americans share a common problem: squirrels! These fast, greedy, incredibly crafty, fluffy-tailed rodents pillage birdfeeders before owners' very eyes. For 25 years Outwitting Squirrels has been leading the charge to help bird lovers defend their feeders. This classic defense manual for the besieged birder has been fully updated to deal with the more tech-savvy 21st-century squirrel. It provides 101 cunning strategies, both serious and hilarious, for outsmarting these furry but not so cute creatures.

When Adeline Bertrand-Verdon, the haughty, conniving president of the Proust Association, is murdered, Inspector Jean-Pierre Foucheroux is called on to lead the investigation. Soon Inspector Foucheroux is overwhelmed by a seemingly endless list of suspects: from her assistant to her colleagues, her fiancé to her lover, almost everyone Adeline knew had motive to kill her.

In this brilliant mix of literary satire and crime caper, Frankie Abandonato, a small-time con man on the run, finds refuge by posing as V. S. Mohle - a famously reclusive writer - and teaching in a prestigious writing program somewhere in Texas. Streetwise and semiliterate, Frankie finds that being treated as a genius agrees with him. The program has been funded by Rex Schoeninger, the world’s richest novelist, who is dying. Buzzards are circling, angling for the remains of Rex’s fortune, and Frankie quickly realizes that he has been presented with the opportunity of a lifetime.

Zombies and Calculus is the account of Craig Williams, a math professor at a small liberal arts college in New England, who, in the middle of a calculus class, finds himself suddenly confronted by a late-arriving student whose hunger is not for knowledge. As the zombie virus spreads and civilization crumbles, Williams uses calculus to help his small band of survivors defeat the hordes of the undead.

When sexy, buttoned-down accountant Jeff gets sucked into Cecilia's sticky, single-mom universe, his life turns inside out. Her checkbook's a nightmare, her oldest kid hates him, and she's messy, mouth-watering, independent, and annoyingly unforgettable. He can't stay away. Quirky Cecilia has her life (sort of) in order, and doesn't need a man pointing out where it's not. A single mom with three kids and a dog can't afford a sex life, even if he is hotter than ever, and strong just when she needs him to be. Plus, his parrot hates her.

Eighteen-year-old Aidan Salt isn't a superhero. With his powerful (and unpredictable) telekinetic abilities, he could be one if he wanted to, but he doesn't. He's unambitious, selfish, and cowardly, and he doesn't want to have to deal with all the paperwork required to become a professional superhero. But since the money, fame, and women that come with wearing the cape are appealing, he decides to become the first supervillain the world has seen in more than 20 years: Apex Strike.

In One Year Off, you can join the family on a trek up a Costa Rican volcano, cruise the canals of Burgundy by houseboat, and ride ferries through the Greek Islands. Later, as the Cohens wander further off the tourist trail, you can drive through the villages of Rajasthan, traverse the vast Australian Nullarbor, and discover the charms of Cambodia's Angkor Wat and the hidden shangri-las of northern Laos.

I knew from the first time I saw Marc Kirby that I was screwed. Big eyes, scruffy face, brown curls - yes, yes, and yes. The man is wicked hot. He's also my roommate, and since I work nights and he's at class all day - it's like living alone at half the rent. Then an unexpected night off turns into an unexpected morning in Marc's bed, but it turns out we can't even figure out the screwing.

Dr. Ibrahim Bihi of Somaliland has an advanced degree in economics and, as far as worldly goods go, a goat with three legs. Using his knowledge of temporary market inefficiencies and the propellers of a UN food plane, he turns his goat into capital and sends the global economy into a speculative frenzy. Soon most of the world's wealth is tied up in goat-backed securities. What could possibly go wrong? Only everything, and with our faithful orphan Jude as guide, we can sit back and laugh our way toward the resolution of this uproariously instructive satire.

The classic Hall of Shame series returns from Bruce Nash and Allan Zullo in a kooky collection of all-true bloopers and outrageously funny moments from more than 100 years of baseball history that just aren't found anywhere else. It's been a generation since the last edition, and the wait was well worth it, as the authors have stored up amazing new discoveries and mind-boggling modern moments in a laugh-filled journey that reminds us, "It's okay to screw up - look at these big-leaguers who did!"

Piers Anthony delivers another tale set in the best-selling world of Xanth, filled with magic, surprises, adventure, and a few puns. Here's what the author has to say about his new book: "Five Portraits is a kind of sequel to Board Stiff in that it picks up where the other leaves off, with the same characters. Apart from that, it's one of my favorites within the series.

The Difference Between You and Me is a modern-day comedy of manners, an insider's take on Hollywood protocol and prestige. With her sly yet generous wit, DeMarco illuminates everyday annoyances and disasters that every woman will recognize - office backstabbing, why-won't-he-call frustrations, and the unsettling vacuum that can open up in the middle of the busiest life.

Emily Andrew-Miceli, travel escort extraordinaire, and her husband, Etienne, are leading a merry band of globetrotting seniors on a tour of Scotland's highlands and islands. In addition to the usual haggis tasting and kilt shopping activities, Emily has organized a high-tech scavenger hunt - her own version of the Highland games that soon turns into all out clan warfare. When one feuding team member is found dead, Etienne - a former police detective - suspects an allergic reaction.

Five minutes until the interview begins. Fresh on the heels of her college graduation, Cameron Heart has landed an interview at a prestigious architecture firm. Four minutes until the interview. She knows she's only there because the owner, Grayson Cole, is her older sister's friend. Three minutes. For the last seven years, Grayson has been the most intimidating man Cammie has ever had the pleasure - or displeasure - of being around.