Here is the letter I wrote today that I mentioned, typos and all, because I try not to edit too many things for my blog and podcast because you need to know that life is messy and you still deserve great love!

There is a part of me that misses the way my life use to be. Atleast the version that I thought life was before I processed how insane my life was. I grieve the lack of a parental role I wish I could have in my life, but I know to have one, the way it was, was worse than none at all.

I miss the times my heart felt love and security the way I knew as a young child, before the weight of the world got in the way. Before the times of realizing the truth of my reality, where all I knew of love was that it would only ever be unconditional. How I wish I had the limited capacity to see life for what it really is, maybe then I would feel a sense of pride in me, pride is self love, pride in my own accomplishments. Yet my heart is torn, broken between the what is and what could have been. Between the lies I lived and believed of who I am, with the truth that I know I am that has yet to sink in.

I am always enough and I always have been. Why could you not see that? Why was I led to believe that I ever had to fight for you to love me? Do you know the countless nights I spend reminding myself who I am? That I am loved, and there is nothing that I could do that would take that away! Because my heart is torn between the what is and what should be.

Someday my heart will believe what my mind already knows, but here is what I need you to know. I forgave you a long time ago. I still love you today, and although I must do what I know is right. I miss you, and I love you always. Someday I hope you forgive me for the ways that I made you feel, or made you worry. Just so you know we are okay, we are learning to love deeper day by day. I don’t resent you anymore, I know you raised us the way you knew how, and I am thankful for all you sacrificed of yourself.

I love you, and always will.

Jessica

I do not have links yet, but for anyone interested, these are the two covers of the books I was working on