Jordan's dad rode 60km on an e-bike with a chemo bottle taped to the frame. Stage four cancer. Then one day the bike stayed in the garage.

Jordan didn't fall apart. He felt… neutral. Then guilty for feeling neutral.

This episode explores the quiet grief nobody talks about. The feeling that 30% of you disappears when your dad dies. You're still functioning, but you're running on less.

If you've lost your dad and wondered why you're not more of a wreck, this one's for you.

🎧 In this episode:

• Why feeling "neutral" doesn't mean something's wrong

• The "deflated balloon" model of grief

• Why guilt and anger show up in unexpected ways

• Becoming the family patriarch overnight

• Caring for a dying parent at home

• Honouring your dad without forcing closure

• Why the conversations you avoid today become the ones you miss tomorrow

👨‍👦 Meet Jordan and PJ

PJ worked the mill, retired early, and spent his best years riding e-bikes, wearing Hawaiian shirts, and building things in his workshop. When cancer reached his liver, he kept riding. Jordan grew up watching a man who lived on his own terms, which is part of why grieving him has felt so quiet.

⏱️ Chapters

0:00 Neutral... and the guilt that follows

1:50 Why Jordan wanted to tell this story

4:50 Meet PJ

7:50 Riding through chemo

12:50 The deflated balloon

16:50 The hospital bed at home

22:00 The DNR magnet on the fridge

22:50 Becoming the patriarch

25:50 When anger arrives anyway

26:50 The Hawaiian shirts

29:00 "What do you want to be when you grow up?"

32:00 Riding 120km in PJ's honour

34:50 Have the conversations now

🖤 About Dead Dads

Dead Dads is a podcast for men figuring out life after losing their dad. Hosted by Roger Nairn and Scott Cunningham, it's an honest conversation about grief, identity, family, memory, masculinity, and everything that changes after father loss.

No grief brochure voice. No tidy healing arc. Just real conversations.

You're not alone.

☕ Support the show: https://buymeacoffee.com/deaddadspodcast

Follow Dead Dads:

Website: https://www.deaddadspodcast.com/

YouTube: https://www.youtube.com/@deaddadspodcast

Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/deaddadspodcast/

Spotify & Apple Podcasts: https://www.deaddadspodcast.com/listen

New episodes every week.