This week I sat down with Men’s Therapy Online to talk about a hard truth: trauma will either refine you or define you. Too many of us—good men, tough men—end up anchoring our identity to the worst thing that happened to us, instead of building on what we choose to do with it.

We’re generous with grace for everyone else and stingy with ourselves. I learned the cost of that the hard way. If I let a victim mindset take the driver’s seat, it would have been the death of me.

The trap of the victim narrative

There’s real relief in being seen and believed. But if we start basking in the attention that comes with the victim narrative, healing stalls. That’s true whether your trauma was childhood sexual abuse, combat, a line-of-duty incident, violence, or divorce. Pain is pain. But a narrative that keeps you powerless keeps you stuck.

Scars to medals

Scars aren’t decorations of shame. They’re proof you survived. At some point, we have to turn scars of shame into medals of honor—not by pretending it didn’t happen, but by taking responsibility for who we are now.

Deal with the tree, not just the fruit

Trauma grows strange fruit—anger, numbness, panic, isolation, addictions. You can prune fruit all day and it keeps coming back. Until you deal with the tree (the nervous system, the beliefs, the habits), the fruit returns.

Practical shifts that work

* Name it plainly. Write three sentences: what happened, how it shows up now, what you’re choosing next.

* Stop renting attention. Share for healing, not applause. Tell one trusted person; build a plan.

* Tend the body. Sleep, hydration, protein, movement, breathwork. Your nervous system is the soil.

* Retrain the mind. Replace “This is who I am” with “This is what happened—and here’s what I do today.”

* Build brotherhood. Two or three solid mates, counselor, pastor—people who hold you to your standards.

* Serve. Purpose shrinks pain. Mentor one man coming behind you.

If this hits home, watch for my Men’s Therapy Online episode—link coming in the notes. I go deeper on each of these and share the routines I use to keep my head and heart straight.

Question: What’s one shift you can make today that moves you from victim narrative to warrior discipline?

Continue the conversation on Dr. John A. King (Th.D.) or on social media @drjohnaking.

If you’re in immediate crisis (U.S.), call or text 988.