Granny Wars: a hilarious kids storytelling podcast episode about family, rivalry, and the most dangerous question a baby can ask

When a new baby is on the way, everybody has questions. Is it a boy or a girl? What will you call it? Will anyone sleep ever again? These are the ordinary ones. The ones everybody thinks about.

But there is another question. A much more dangerous one.

What will the grandparents be called?

Sophie's two grandmothers-to-be get on brilliantly. They go for coffee together. They swap recipes. They once spent an entire Saturday choosing curtains and came back even more cheerful than when they left. So when the baby news arrives, everyone is delighted. Hugging. Crying. Cheering. And then, at exactly the same moment, both women say: I shall be Granny.

And that is where the trouble starts.

What follows is one of the funniest fun kids stories about family rivalry ever told. There are WhatsApp battles with increasingly unhinged display names. There are branded baby gifts, towering competition cakes, and lullabies that escalate from a gentle hum to a full choir with a man called Dennis who looks absolutely terrified. There are campaign leaflets, tote bags, rosettes, and an actual debate staged in the sitting room with a folded ironing board as the podium. And then, somehow, things get considerably more serious than that.

This funny bedtime story for kids is perfect for audio stories for children who love family chaos, for parents who will recognise every single moment, and for anyone who has ever watched two people compete over something with absolute dedication and zero self-awareness. Children will love the escalating absurdity. Grandparents will feel personally seen. Parents will feel exhausted just listening.

• Episode length: approximately 14 minutes
• Ages: 4 to 400
• Best enjoyed: bedtime, car journeys, family gatherings where this sort of thing has happened

Press play. The grandmothers have just said Granny at exactly the same time. Dad has just taken a very big breath. This is going to take a while.

More stories at MrMortonsBarmyBook.com.