Laura returns from Europe with stories of being trapped inside a closed terminal at Charles de Gaulle Airport for seven hours with nothing but a muffin and a few sips of water. Meanwhile, a traveler is caught smuggling 58 live turtles in her tights, Hooters attempts a family-friendly rebrand, and the internet continues to prove that reality is stranger than fiction.

Plus: puffins, birding, a disastrous lash lift, TV hot takes, and why Times Square Margaritaville may be New York City’s greatest hidden gem.

Laura is headed to Cannes and may or may not accidentally end up in White Lotus season 4, the Solidcore guy somehow gets even weirder, and the JP Morgan “cannons” lawsuit continues to spiral into one of the funniest workplace scandals on the internet.

This week, we get into:

• Men paying for fake cauliflower ear surgery
• Robert Pattinson getting ghosted by his own stalker
• Elon Musk losing his OpenAI lawsuit
• The scientifically hottest male dance moves
• Catholic school “mixers”
• A law associate asking if hanging an original Picasso in his office is too obnoxious
• Whispering Angel rosé discourse
• Why women absolutely do NOT want fake cage fighter ears

Plus: ringworm in the Bahamas, White Lotus filming chaos, and the return of “leave room for Jesus.”

Pete Davidson’s breakup is getting messy, cruises are somehow having an even worse week than usual, and Hawaii may have delivered the most satisfying case of instant karma we’ve seen in a while.

This week on Doomscroll Diaries, Mae and Laura discuss:

• Pete Davidson and Elsie Hewitt’s breakup drama
• The viral monk seal incident in Hawaii
• Why some people desperately need to be punched in the face
• A disturbing cruise ship scandal
• Hantavirus panic and internet misinformation
• Why kids should still step in dog poop at least once
• Disney adults and the new Universal Epic Universe park
• Head scarves, laryngitis, and caffeine-free Diet Dr Pepper