Kids think everyone in Bible wore bathrobes and had beards. Also think they all lived same place same time doing same things.

Tried teaching Biblical cultures last month. Total disaster mostly.

Told kids Moses grew up Egypt not Israel. Blank stares. What's the difference?

Egypt had pyramids. And pharaohs. That's about all they knew.

Showed pictures Egyptian stuff. Fancy headdresses gold hieroglyphics.

Kids way more interested mummies. Can we talk about mummies?

No cannot talk mummies. Focusing on Moses.

But Moses saw mummies right? Probably?

Don't actually know. Maybe. Egypt had lots mummies.

Lesson completely derailed into mummy discussion. Kids now think Moses lived with mummies.

Close enough guess.

Bible people ate fish bread grapes. Kids that's boring food.

Also ate dates figs lentils. What's lentil? Small bean thing.

Why didn't they eat pizza? Pizza didn't exist yet.

Mind blown. World without pizza unimaginable apparently.

Made unleavened bread in class. Flat cardboard crackers. Kids hated it.

This is what they ate for Passover? When you're escaping slavery no time for bread rise.

Kid said his mom's bread takes three hours bread machine. How Moses's mom make bread so fast? Good question. No idea actually.

Another kid asked about birthday cake. Did Bible people have birthdays? Probably but not like ours. No Chuck E Cheese ancient Israel.

Kids devastated by this.

Showed picture flat roof house. Where's triangle roof? Don't have triangle roofs. Flat roofs.

People lived on roofs. Slept up there ate meals up there. Why? Cooler than inside.

Kid asked about wifi on roof. No wifi. No electricity. No phones.

Where they charge tablets? Nowhere. No tablets.

Kids processing world without technology. Not going well.

Wait what did they do for fun? Talked to each other probably. Played outside.

That sounds boring. Maybe but that's what they had.

Showed map Paul's journeys. All those lines everywhere. Looks like road trip. Actually took years.

Years? To go that far? No cars no planes. Had to walk or ride donkey or take boat.

Kids horrified. What if you had to pee? You just went. Different times.

What if got bored? Too bad. Were bored.

Did they have snacks? What kind snacks did Paul eat? Don't actually know Paul's snack preferences.

Kids decided Paul probably ate beef jerky. Not accurate but let it go.

Kid asked if donkeys had seatbelts. They did not.

Starting think this lesson was mistake.

Told them Jesus spoke Aramaic not English. What? Bible is translated. Someone turned Aramaic into English.

Why didn't Jesus just speak English begin with? English didn't exist yet.

Kids struggling with this. How did English start then? That's different lesson. Maybe never.

Kid asked if Jesus knew Spanish. Her abuela speaks Spanish. Probably not Spanish but knew multiple languages.

Kids more impressed Jesus was bilingual than anything else.

Had explain slavery in Bible different from American slavery. But also not good. Slavery never good.

Kids know about slavery from school. Why is slavery in Bible?

Bible tells what happened. Doesn't mean God liked it.

Why didn't God just stop slavery? Welcome to seven year old theology. Not qualified for this.

Sweating through this conversation.

This topic too hard. Should've skipped it.

For teachers discovering cultural context way harder explain than thought, leaders learning kids ask impossible questions, anyone trying teach ancient world to kids who think pizza always existed.