They say money makes the world go round, but I’d argue that’s only true until you run out of toilet paper. Nothing exposes the true state of your finances, preparedness, and social standing quite like the humble roll of two-ply.
Think about it. A person’s wealth isn’t about what’s in their bank account—it’s about what’s in their bathroom. Jeff Bezos could buy an entire country, but if he’s caught in a stall with nothing but a cardboard tube, he’s just another guy in trouble. And let’s not forget the great TP crisis of 2020, when society briefly collapsed because we all realized how fragile our supply chains—and our dignity—really were.
The TP Wealth Index
Forget net worth calculators. The real way to measure financial security is by how much toilet paper you have at any given moment. Let’s break it down:
1. The One-Roll Peasants
If you’re living roll to roll, you are in a constant state of anxiety. You take careful, measured squares, rationing like it’s the apocalypse (which, let’s be honest, it might as well be). This is financial instability in its purest form.
2. The 12-Pack Middle Class
You’ve achieved some level of security. You buy toilet paper in respectable bulk but still have moments of doubt. You check your stash before guests come over, knowing that running out would ruin your reputation.
3. The Costco Elite
Ah, the rich. The ones with an entire cupboard dedicated to toilet paper. These people don’t worry about recessions, pandemics, or unexpected guests. They buy in 48-roll packs, flexing their economic prowess every time they casually pull out a fresh roll without a second thought.
4. The Preppers (A.K.A. The Ultra-Wealthy)
These are the one-percenters of the TP world. Entire basements filled with Charmin. They don’t just survive disasters—they thrive in them. If civilization crumbles, these folks will become the new oligarchs, trading triple-ply for food and shelter.
Toilet Paper and Financial Planning
Savvy investors diversify their assets, but the truly wise hedge their bets with a rock-solid TP strategy. Inflation might hit your grocery bill, but a well-timed bulk purchase means you’ve locked in your price per wipe for months—perhaps even years. That’s the kind of economic foresight they don’t teach in business school.
Conclusion: The True Mark of Success
At the end of the day, forget luxury cars, stocks, or real estate. If you want to know someone’s real financial health, peek under their sink. A person with a healthy TP reserve is a person who’s got their life together.
So next time you’re feeling financially insecure, don’t check your bank balance—check your bathroom. Because in a world of uncertainty, toilet paper is the only true currency that matters.
2025/05/0751 分