Send us a fun message...But if you want a response contact us at SwingerUniversity.com

When you finally find your voice in the lifestyle, everything changes. In this episode, Ed and Phoebe explore one of the most transformational shifts couples make in ethical non-monogamy: moving from "going along to keep the peace" to confidently advocating for what you actually want. If you've ever said yes when you really meant no, or felt like you were in the backseat of your own experience, this conversation is for you.

Watch this episode on YouTube!

What You'll Learn

- Why the "caretaker mentality" leads to burnout and resentment in the lifestyle

- The hidden costs of performing enjoyment instead of experiencing authentic pleasure

- How setting boundaries actually makes you more attractive to potential play partners

- A simple three-step framework for shifting from people-pleaser to confident communicator

- Real-world scenarios and compassionate scripts for saying no without guilt

- Why speaking up transforms not just your lifestyle experience, but your relationship dynamic

Key Moments

[00:00:17] - When you finally find your voice in the lifestyle, everything changes

[00:02:47] - The Caretaker Trap: Why "I don't want to ruin the vibe" is destroying your confidence

[00:07:57] - The Backseat Experience: What it costs when you're not driving

[00:12:33] - The Confidence Shift: One listener's transformation story

[00:16:09] - The Gender Dynamic: Women's opportunity to drive in the lifestyle

[00:23:30] - The Power Framework: Three steps to finding your voice

[00:32:03] - Permission-Giving Moment: You're not responsible for other people's disappointment

[00:33:02] - Real-World Scenarios: How to handle common boundary-pushing situations

[00:36:46] - The Transformation: From performing for others to prioritizing yourself

[00:40:21] - Why the lifestyle loves boundaries (and how speaking up gives others permission)

[00:43:30] - Final Thoughts: Is it about power or permission?

Support the show

Want More?

• 👀 Watch on YouTube: YouTube Show
  Full video versions and interactive live episodes!
  Search "Swinger University" on YouTube or click the link above.
  Check SwingerLinks.com for the live schedule!
• 🌶️Extra episodes and exclusive content: https://www.patreon.com/SwingerUniversity
• 🛳️Book your vacation with us: http://SwingerVacation.net
• PhoebeSwinger.com - All Phoebe's Spicy 🌶️Links
• EdSwinger.com - All Ed's Spicy 🌶️Links
• Our Website - Leave us a message, articles, and sexy products

* We get a commission if you decide to make a purchase through our links, at no cost to you.

3 Ways to get your question on our show:

1. RECORD it on our website at: https://swingeruniversity.com/contact/
2. EMAIL a recorded voice note to: swingeruniversity@gmail.com
3. CALL: (916) 538-0482 and leave a voicemail.

Send us a fun message...But if you want a response contact us at SwingerUniversity.com

There's a real debate happening in the lifestyle community: Are "dirty vanillas" (people showing up to swinger events but not actually swinging) ruining the experience? Or is the real problem something we've completely misunderstood? In this episode, Ed and Phoebe dig into the data, share surprising stories, and challenge everything you thought you knew about who belongs in these spaces. By the end, you might see this conversation—and the community—completely differently.

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WHAT YOU'LL LEARN

• Why 1/3 of Americans are exploring something other than traditional monogamy—and why this changes everything about the "dirty vanilla" debate

• The spectrum of play styles and why there's actually NO official definition of what makes someone a "real" swinger

• A real story from a couple in Costa Rica who called themselves "swinger adjacent"—and why their approach is brilliant

• How preferences literally shift from event to event, week to week—and why labels fail to capture what's actually happening

• The single most important skill that actually works when you're trying to figure out what someone is REALLY looking for at an event

• Why swingers have figured out something that the rest of us are still struggling with: how to create genuinely judgment-free, welcoming spaces

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KEY MOMENTS (WITH TIMESTAMPS)

• [00:01:04] The stat that reframes everything: One-third of Americans want something other than complete monogamy—and why this changes the debate entirely

• [00:03:51] Breaking down Gen Z, millennials, and Gen X data on non-monogamy—and why 31% of singles have actually explored this

• [00:06:13] The question that flips the script: Maybe it's not "Why are vanillas here?" but "Why are we gatekeeping who belongs?"

• [00:08:01] The "Swinger Adjacent" couple from Costa Rica and their unforgettable exact words about the lifestyle community

• [00:06:38] Why "soft swap" and "full swap" are way more complicated than they sound—the spectrum within the spectrum

• [00:27:00] How to actually ask the questions that matter—the simple framework that changes everything

• [00:29:45] The bigger picture: What non-swingers

Support the show

Want More?

• 👀 Watch on YouTube: YouTube Show
  Full video versions and interactive live episodes!
  Search "Swinger University" on YouTube or click the link above.
  Check SwingerLinks.com for the live schedule!
• 🌶️Extra episodes and exclusive content: https://www.patreon.com/SwingerUniversity
• 🛳️Book your vacation with us: http://SwingerVacation.net
• PhoebeSwinger.com - All Phoebe's Spicy 🌶️Links
• EdSwinger.com - All Ed's Spicy 🌶️Links
• Our Website - Leave us a message, articles, and sexy products

* We get a commission if you decide to make a purchase through our links, at no cost to you.

3 Ways to get your question on our show:

1. RECORD it on our website at: https://swingeruniversity.com/contact/
2. EMAIL a recorded voice note to: swingeruniversity@gmail.com
3. CALL: (916) 538-0482 and leave a voicemail.

Send us a fun message...But if you want a response contact us at SwingerUniversity.com

How often are you really supposed to be having sex? Spoiler alert: You've been asking the wrong question.

Society pushes a "magic number" for sexual frequency that's causing more harm than good. The truth? There is no normal. We're diving deep into why the three-times-a-week standard is BS, how desire actually works in long-term relationships, and the one thing that matters more than counting sessions—quality and connection.

Ed and Phoebe challenge everything you thought you knew about sex in relationships, from the myth of spontaneous desire to why 80% of women can't orgasm the way we've been told they should. Drawing on research from Dr. Karen Gurney's "Mind the Gap" and insights from the swinging lifestyle, we reveal practical strategies to build sexual currency without adding pressure, understand responsive desire, and create the conditions where passion can thrive.

What You'll Learn:

• Why comparing your sex life to society's "normal" is killing your intimacy
• The two types of desire and why waiting to "feel like it" sets you up for failure
• How to build sexual currency through non-sexual intimacy (yes, doing dishes counts!)
• Why penetrative sex is women's least preferred sexual activity—and what that means for satisfaction
• The surprising connection between household chores and sexual satisfaction
• How the swinging lifestyle opened up game-changing conversations about sex
• Why humans aren't biologically wired for monogamy (and what that means for your relationship)

Timestamps:

• 00:00 - Opening: The Question Everyone's Thinking
• 01:02 - The Frequency Myth: Society's Broken Benchmark
• 05:40 - Why We're Having Less Sex: Modern Intimacy Killers
• 11:20 - How Desire Really Works: Spontaneous vs. Responsive
• 16:30 - Arousal Non-Concordance: When Mind and Body Don't Match
• 22:10 - Building Sexual Currency: Practical Strategies That Work
• 28:00 - What Actually Matters: Quality, Communication & Flexibility
• 40:30 - The Gender Script Problem: Why PIV Isn't the Answer
• 46:00 - What Actually Helps: From Chor

Support the show

Want More?

• 👀 Watch on YouTube: YouTube Show
  Full video versions and interactive live episodes!
  Search "Swinger University" on YouTube or click the link above.
  Check SwingerLinks.com for the live schedule!
• 🌶️Extra episodes and exclusive content: https://www.patreon.com/SwingerUniversity
• 🛳️Book your vacation with us: http://SwingerVacation.net
• PhoebeSwinger.com - All Phoebe's Spicy 🌶️Links
• EdSwinger.com - All Ed's Spicy 🌶️Links
• Our Website - Leave us a message, articles, and sexy products

* We get a commission if you decide to make a purchase through our links, at no cost to you.

3 Ways to get your question on our show:

1. RECORD it on our website at: https://swingeruniversity.com/contact/
2. EMAIL a recorded voice note to: swingeruniversity@gmail.com
3. CALL: (916) 538-0482 and leave a voicemail.