She was told at nine years old that being good at something made her cocky. She spent the next three decades making herself smaller so nobody would feel that way again.

In today's episode, Haley sits down with Dara' Shaina-Vanier, educational leader, doctoral candidate, and poet, to talk about what it costs to spend a lifetime performing a version of yourself that keeps everyone else comfortable. What starts as a story about grief quickly becomes a conversation about identity, self-betrayal, and what it finally took for Dara' to stop apologising for who she is.

• How one moment of public humiliation in fourth grade quietly redirected Dara's entire life path, turning a future actress into someone who built her whole identity around selflessness
• Losing her sister in February 2023, singing hymns together in a hospital room, and the clarity that arrived in the middle of grief when almost nobody expected it to
• Walking away from a 14-year relationship and a high-paying job within months, and why she stopped consulting anyone except herself and God before making either decision
• The weight of raising four girls while unlearning everything she was taught about being a wife, a mother, and a Black woman in the South
• What she is still working through: burning bridges she thought would last forever, and learning that not every connection is worth protecting
• How her daughters are now watching a version of their mother they have never met before, and writing their own poetry because of it

This one isn't just about grief or divorce. It's about the slow violence of shrinking yourself for decades and what becomes possible when you finally decide your life is yours to live.

About Dara'

Dara' Shaina-Vania is an educational leader, doctoral candidate, poet and mother of four who is committed to living in truth and walking in purpose. Grounded in faith and integrity, she has navigated profound loss, professional adversity and major life transitions whilst continuing to lead with compassion and excellence. After choosing healing over performance and authenticity over survival, she now uses her voice, creativity and leadership to empower others to honour their worth, protect their peace and rise with courage. Her journey reflects resilience, spiritual grounding and a deep commitment to building a meaningful legacy for her children and community.

Connect with Dara':

• Instagram: @daraofsunshine

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Follow me on Instagram @haleyryan.unfiltered or visit haleyryan.co.uk/discord for more real conversations about self-abandonment, boundaries, and designing life on your own terms.