An RHS judge is coming to lunch on Saturday. You have one afternoon. Do you tidy the garden, or cook something delicious? Cue a deep sigh — the answer turns out to have almost nothing to do with gardening.

James Alexander-Sinclair and Joe Swift are back in the mailbag, answering the questions that scare the wits out of the other garden podcasts. This week yours send them from a medieval drawbridge to a Babylonian palace by way of a French ski slope. Somewhere in the middle of it they settle the burrata question, acquire a new job title, and Joe decides — live, with no warning whatsoever — precisely which plant represents Arsenal Football Club.

Also featuring: why a lawn burnt to a crisp is now the most sustainable thing you own, the correct number of concealed hori horis to carry into a castle, the deluxe half-day tour of the Garden of Eden (compost heap included), a signed fig leaf, James's genuine career ambition to be a professional washer-upper, and a two-dishwasher system that he is convinced cannot mathematically work.

This week's questions: Jane — an RHS judge and his wife are coming for lunch. Tidy the garden, or cook? Jackie in Ontario — as an Arsenal fan, which flower would Joe choose to represent his team? Buffy in Maine — one afternoon in any garden in human history. Where are you going? Rocco — if you weren't in garden design and broadcasting, what would you have been?

Chapters:

00:00 The two rules

02:12 James attempts the theme tune

04:26 Gnomes, and where to catch us live

06:56 Jane: an RHS judge is coming to lunch

14:13 Jackie in Ontario: which flower is Arsenal?

19:25 Dear Lords of Landscape

21:39 Buffy in Maine: one afternoon, any garden in history

28:05 Rocco: what would you be, if not this?

31:23 The two-dishwasher problem

34:51 James becomes an Olympic downhill skier

36:06 Goodnight from Joseph

See James and Joe live: Yeo Valley Organic Garden Festival, Somerset — 17 September. Advice for young and old gardeners, mostly in the form of mistakes they have already made on your behalf. The Garden Museum, London — 10 November. City gardens versus country gardens, with a proper audience vote.

Send us a question and you could win the most coveted prize in horticulture. Not a Chelsea gold medal — the gnome. To ask us a question email gnome@jamesandjoegarden.com or go to our website www.jamesandjoegarden.com

About our hosts

James Alexander-Sinclair is a garden designer, writer and broadcaster. He is an RHS Vice-President and was awarded the Veitch Memorial Medal for outstanding contribution to horticulture in 2022.

Joe Swift is a familiar face on television as a presenter of BBC TV's Gardeners' World and other gardening programmes. He is a garden designer, broadcaster, writer and design director of Modular.

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Contact us: gnome@jamesandjoegarden.com

www.jamesandjoegarden.com

No dead plants and no dull questions. See you back in the garden.