The effect of divorce on children can be profound, causing them emotional distress, a conflict of loyalties, regressive behaviors, academic and social issues, anger and rebellion. I in 4 children in the UK live in separated families, that 4m children or 30% of the total.

The long-term effects on children when they become adults is mixed. Some thrive. The outcome is down to how theirparents handled the divorce, and if there was on going conflict between the two partners. Eg when the child is a pawn or a messenger or even a spy !Kids need consistency, love and stability. They must also be encouraged to maintain astrong relationship with both parents.Mimimising change is the key, like keeping the same schools, home and social network etc. Open communication should seek to re assure the children that the divorce was not their fault .Finally they most have access to all their family and their friends forsupport at any time. Generally, its thought that a good divorce is better than a bad marriage , but I have my doubts about that. Yes, if its in an environment of chronic hostility and abuse. Parental behaviors is the biggest factor, both during the divorce and afterwards. The children need to be the priority, full stop. The children need to be the number I priority, there I've said it again. A healthy relationship between the two ex partners can buffer their grown-up kids against further harm. Holidays and in particular Christmas can be very difficult for example when there are two or in some cases 4 families involved ( i.e. both kids are from divorced parents, and they have both remarried).It also means potentially 4 houses to visit and lots of step fathers, step grandads, step grannies and so on. It’s a minefield. Where you spend Christmas, with whoand in what order of rotation is fraught with difficulties. Parents should spare the kids any conflict.eg unequal treatment, lost traditions, logistical stress, financial tension and so on.

This is my song ‘Just Relax’. Its about gown up children ( like mine ) who are from divorced parents. Apologies for the long introduction but I need to get the point across early in the song, without any hesitation. It starts ,’It’s Christmas baby, a time to share. A time, to bring down the temperature’. The key phrase for me ( not sure where I got it from) is ‘bring down thetemperature.’ Thats what everyone involved should focus on in my view. The song then adds a bit of detail,’ Should Santa Claus come to both of us, We’re not together, living at one address’. So, humour at last. The point is let's not over complicate things. Keep it simple and low key. The song goes on ,’ Years later. We don’t want the stress, of crazy, new family chess. Need to put the past behind us, to all be grown up too.’ I like the phrase ‘crazy chess’, i.e. everyone is trying to predict the next move. Don’t do this, just go with the flow.

Then the children come up in the song, ‘Our kids have a lot to think about, don’t want see us falling out. Families, and Christmas comes in many sizes and guises. Can't assume they’re with you. Dont matter, just stay cool’. So, its back to the stay cool message of in the case of my song title ‘ Just relax’ . The song talks about potential logistical problems bycommenting , ‘Hard to plan around separation, have that difficult conversation. Parent guilt is tough. I’s not your turn, I know it’s rough.’ The phrase it's not you turn is one worth remembering. The kids are not operating to a rota ! We then get a bit more specific, ‘If the kids can come, then the kids can come” Its Christmas baby, a time to share.’ Thats right ifthey want to come, let them come, stuff the rota system ! Finally, ‘When the kids can’t make it, they’re not trying to hurt. Make room for new partners. They turn the past into calmness.’ Next ,’Do what makes you happy and enjoy it. You’ve earned it! Its Christmas baby, a time to share. A time, to bring down that temperature.’ JUST RELAX !