Send us Fan Mail

What really happens to sex and desire after 40?

This week, we’re joined by Sara Rian — Certified Sex Therapist, licensed clinical social worker, marriage and family therapist, grief counselor, author and grief poet — for a very honest conversation about women, sex, intimacy and the things many of us were simply never taught.

We talk about why women may feel like their desire has disappeared in midlife, how hormones, stress, the mental load, resentment and relationship dynamics can affect sexual desire, and why there may be absolutely nothing “wrong” with you just because your sex life doesn’t look the way it did in your 20s.

Sara also completely reframes what we’ve been taught to think of as sex — including why intercourse doesn’t have to be the main event, the orgasm gap, women’s pleasure, pelvic-floor health, spontaneous vs. responsive desire, and why so many women have spent decades performing rather than actually being present during sex.

And yes, we go there: vibrators and sex toys, why some men feel threatened by them, how to introduce them into a long-term relationship, and why women shouldn’t have to manage a partner’s discomfort at the expense of their own pleasure.

Then the conversation turns deeply personal as Sada talks about losing Kris and missing not only sex, but touch, closeness and simply having another body beside her. Sara explains sexual bereavement, widow’s fire and what can happen to desire after losing a spouse — including why grief can cause sexual desire to disappear for some people and intensify dramatically for others.

This is Sex After 40 101: honest, educational, funny, vulnerable and full of things we wish women had been taught decades ago.

Sara Rian

Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/sara_rian_books/

Website: https://www.sararianbooks.com/

Books: https://www.sararianbooks.com/books

🔗 Connect With Us

🎙 Podcast: @wtf.lifeismessy
💛 Hilary: @its.hilarybrophy
💛 Sada: @simplysadajames

💗 Enjoying the podcast?
If this episode resonated with you, please follow the show, leave us a 5-star rating or review wherever you listen, and share it with a friend. Your support helps more women discover WTF Just Happened? Thank you for being part of our community.

If you’re moving through grief, a midlife shift, healing, or simply feeling stuck in the in-between, Sada offers RISE — an intimate 8-week mentorship experience designed to help women feel supported, understood, connected, and less alone. It’s a space for anyone craving real community, honest conversation, clarity, and a softer landing place through life’s harder seasons.

We love you for being here. Subscribe, share, and stay messy with us. 💛

⚠️ Disclaimer

This podcast is for informational and entertainment purposes only. The views shared are based on personal experience and do not constitute medical, legal, financial, or professional advice. Always consult a qualified professional regarding your individual situation. Guest opinions are their own and do not necessarily reflect the views of the hosts or this podcast. Any products mentioned are not sponsored unless explicitly stated.