Riley and Amanda are back, and Laura Ingalls has discovered boys. This is not going well for anyone.

In episode five, your Little House guides tackle Season 1, Episode 6 — The Love of Johnny Johnson — in which a new student arrives at the Walnut Grove schoolhouse and Laura immediately loses her entire mind over him. Johnny is listed as 15 in the show. The actor is 18. He looks 27. Laura is 10. Nobody on the prairie seems particularly concerned about any of this, and Riley and Amanda have thoughts.

Johnny also does not wear shoes. Not once. The entire episode.

It all comes to a head when Johnny asks Laura to meet him at the sweetheart tree — which she takes as a very promising sign — only for her to discover he's carved his initials there with Mary's. Not Laura's. Mary's. Mary, who has been loudly calling the sweetheart tree stupid since the opening scene. It ends with Caroline delivering Ma's timeless wisdom: young love is like a heat rash, quickly come and quickly gone. Laura appears to recover. She is already looking for the next fella.

Also in this episode: Michael Landon had an affair with the makeup artist on set, which shattered his relationship with Melissa Gilbert for years. Sometimes it really is better not to know.

Trauma Meter: 0/10 (just vibes and a bruised heart)

Survivability Rating: 7/10 (unrequited love is genuinely all-consuming, and Riley got away easy because apparently all the predators were really into her)

Charles Count: unconfirmed, we were too distracted by Johnny's bare feet

Big Opinions: somebody should have been concerned about that age gap considerably sooner. Also Johnny should have been wearing shoes. One or the other. Those were both gross.

Next time: Episode 7, If I Should Die Before I Wake. The title is misleading. The trauma is low. Charles gets wrapped up in the hijinks of an old lady in town and it's actually kind of fun. See you there.

🌾 Find them on Instagram, TikTok & email: @littlehousebigopinions | littlehousebigopinions@gmail.com