『Lake America: The Miracle We Deserved』のカバーアート

Lake America: The Miracle We Deserved

Lake America: The Miracle We Deserved

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Lake Ontario with red white and blue waterThe full conversation in the video above and wherever you get podcasts. Search: The Cary Harrison Files.At last—at long, damp, bureaucratically lubricated last—the planet’s biggest emergency has been met with the grave, thrusting seriousness it deserves.The Administration has renamed Lake Ontario “Lake America” in federal usage, because apparently the old name was the final barnacle standing between you and cheap groceries, sober lawmakers, and a toilet that flushes on the first try.And you should be grateful.Don’t wrinkle that tender little snout. Lower your standards. Lower them until they’re scraping the grout beneath a bus-terminal urinal in Toledo.There. Now you can comprehend the majesty of this gift.A giant, cold, damp tub of water has been given a fresh patriotic nametag.For centuries, this enormous body of freshwater sat there—sloshing, freezing, feeding commerce, irritating fishermen, and being very inconsiderately shared with Canada—without sufficiently advertising whose flag gets the louder font.But now the sacred civic miracle has occurred: the label changed.Not the water, mind you. The water remains full of fish, freighters, algae, and whatever emotional residue accumulates when two nations glare at each other across a shoreline. But the paperwork says something else now.That’s nation-building with the zipper down.ShareMy work here is free because this information matters more than a paygate. The research, reporting, and analysis remain open to everyone. If you find value here and want to help keep it that way, a paid subscription is the best way to do it. Your support makes it possible to continue publishing without putting the most important material behind a paywall. Thank you for reading, subscribing, and sharing this work with others.A few benefits to upgrading:Weekly Live radio Broadcast across Los Angeles with your callsContinuing adult educationGlobal community, including studentsInside access to the conversations and ideas shaping decisions at the highest levels—from whistleblowers to think tank analystsFind us at caryharrison.com — and for the love of the Founders, tell a friend.Please UpgradeWithin 30 days, federal maps, contracts, and official communications are meant to receive the makeover. The Geographic Names Information System gets to crawl from its filing cabinet, pull on ceremonial rubber gloves, and erase “Ontario” like a bad tattoo from the nation’s damp butt cheek.That’s governance: a stationery orgasm with a flag lapel pin.Canada, naturally, isn’t required to play along. It can keep calling the lake whatever it likes, probably while apologizing to a maple tree and filling out a form in triplicate.But on the American side, the lake has received a full brand extension: chest wax, anal bleaching, and a fresh little patriotic onesie.History hasn’t been rewritten. It’s been given a commemorative novelty mug.[WHY STOP AT ONE LAKE?]The Atlantic and Pacific have reportedly been floated as future candidates. Which makes sense. “Atlantic” sounds like a failed insurance company. “Pacific” sounds suspiciously peaceful—a yoga studio where a man named Skylar sells $19 celery fog.Put them in the rebranding salon. Give them names with shoulder pads. Names that burp the alphabet and salute the cash register:The Big Wet AmericaFreedom BrineOcean McOceanface, U.S. EditionThe Patriotic Splash ZoneAmerica’s Damp FrontierThe National Moisture ReserveUncle Sam’s Infinity PoolThe Strategic National BathtubYou thought politics was about wages, health care, housing, wars, storms, taxes, or bridges that don’t collapse like wet toast.Wrong.Politics is about names. Names are the load-bearing girders of civilization. Rename enough water and, eventually, you’ll never have to notice that your rent has developed teeth.What should they rename next?The Mississippi: The Big Beautiful Drainage Ditch?The moon: America’s Nightlight?Every puddle: Freedom Basin?Is this national greatness—or polishing a hubcap while the engine is on fire?Why is this actually happening?Text or leave a voice message: 310-737-TALK This is a public episode. If you'd like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit caryharrison.substack.com/subscribe
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