In this episode of Kaleidoscope, Ruby Rae Liu is joined by Kim Lithgow, a South African LGBTQIA+ activist and founder of Same Love Toti, alongside co-host Luigi, for a grounded conversation about marriage equality, LGBTQ rights, and the ongoing fight for civil rights.

Together, they explore the historical and legal context of marriage as a civil rights issue for gay and lesbian communities, reflecting on how progress has been made — and how easily it can be challenged or reversed. Luigi’s questions help unpack complex ideas around hate speech, homophobia, and the gap between having strong laws on paper and seeing them meaningfully applied in real life.

Kim shares her personal journey of coming out later in life, her work supporting families, and her advocacy against hate crimes. She also discusses her role in pushing for systemic change at both national and international levels, highlighting how LGBTQ rights are protected not only through legislation, but through education, visibility, and sustained community effort.

Throughout the episode, the speakers reflect on acceptance, resilience, and the responsibility to keep speaking out — emphasizing that equality is not a one-time victory, but an ongoing process shaped by collective action.

Links & Where to Find Us

Find Same Love Toti on Facebook and Instagram: @samelovetoti

To donate to SameLoveToti, please reach out to Kaleidoscope at echo@echoemner.co.uk for bank transfer details to be sent directly to their account. You can also contact Kim Lithgow on her socials.

Listen to Kaleidoscope wherever you get your podcasts and on YouTube: @echoperspectives Find more of Ruby Rae on Instagram: @firefromheat and on YouTube: @RubyRaeD

Want to be a guest on Kaleidoscope? Send us an email: echo@echoember.co.uk

🧠 Key Conversations & Moments

✨ Warm-up & Humanity

• Painting figurines, hobbies never tried, and creative outlets later in life
• Mug collections, family rituals, and small acts of sentimentality
• Creativity as survival, not indulgence

🧱 Resilience & Choice

• Being pushed into careers and identities by circumstance
• People-pleasing, parental approval, and delayed self-realisation
• The difference between doing what you want and doing what you’re allowed to

🌈 Kim’s Story & Same Love Toti

• Coming out later in life after a heterosexual marriage
• Parental rejection and its ripple effects
• Why Same Love Toti began with families, not just queer youth
• Supporting parents through fear, misinformation, and shock

⚖️ Hate Speech & Hate Crime (South Africa)

• How hate speech is legally defined
• Why offensiveness ≠ criminal hate speech
• Real-world consequences: incitement, mob violence, assaults
• The importance of legislation for data, accountability, and prevention
• Why application, not law, is South Africa’s biggest challenge

🏛️ Advocacy at Scale

• From school talks → Department of Education → national policy
• How LGBT voices were erased from G20 civil society drafts
• The creation of Q20 (Queer20) as a permanent working group
• Why making history matters even when governments resist it

⭐ Episode Summary

In this vibrant and far-reaching conversation, Ruby Rae Liu, Luigi, and Chase King explore the mission and emotional architecture of SoulFam Hostel in Cape Town — a queer-centered refuge built on chosen family, safety, and radical inclusivity.

The discussion weaves through themes of porn futurism, the relationship between art and identity, and the realities of building spaces where queer people can exist without fear. It also moves into deeper personal terrain: the discomfort of growth, the weight of societal conditioning, and the quiet power of genuine allies.

From leadership and authenticity to ghosting, subconscious dating patterns, and the emotional demands of entrepreneurship, the episode unfolds as a meditation on vulnerability, connection, and the courage it takes to step beyond what feels familiar — in relationships, in business, and in ourselves.

🌈 Key Takeaways

• SoulFam Hostel is the most inclusive hostel in Africa.
• Chosen family is the foundation of the hostel’s ethos.
• Art is a medium of identity, healing, and futurism.
• Queer community spaces are essential, especially for travelers.
• Diversity ≠ inclusivity — intention matters.
• Growth requires discomfort and stepping beyond the familiar.
• Chase founded SoulFam out of a longing for genuine queer community.
• Building queer spaces comes with backlash and cultural resistance.
• Allies matter — deeply.
• Societal conditioning shapes behavior, sometimes in harmful ways.
• Feel the fear and do it anyway.
• Recognizing toxic environments is necessary for self-preservation.
• Authentic leadership inspires trust and transformation.
• Community support is essential for any meaningful project.
• Entrepreneurship is gritty work, not glamor.
• Strong aesthetics can set a business apart.
• Travel expands the self and confronts comfort zones.
• Ghosting reflects emotional avoidance, not inadequacy.
• Subconscious beliefs shape dating experiences.
• Vulnerability is the pathway to connection.

🔥 Sound Bites

• "Robots could be hot"
• "I would call it queer joy."
• "You have to have that grit."

▶️ Watch on YouTube https://www.youtube.com/@echoperspectives

🌐 Kaleidoscope Website https://echoember.co.uk

💬 Follow Ruby Rae Liu Instagram: https://instagram.com/firefromheat TikTok: https://www.tiktok.com/@heatfromfire

🏳️‍🌈 SoulFam Hostel (Cape Town)https://www.soulfamhostel.com/

Description: In this intimate and wildly honest episode of Kaleidoscope, Ruby Rae Liu sits down with Luigi and special guest Shay Rees-Davies—sexologist, therapist, and TRE provider—for a conversation that moves fearlessly between sexuality, culture, trauma, desire, dating, gender norms, AI girlfriends, and the messy, beautiful ways humans try to connect.

The trio unpack everything from hookup anxieties to purity culture, attachment theory, and what consent actually looks like in real-world interactions. Ruby reflects on life pre- and post-transition, how estrogen reshaped her pleasure, why dating apps feel both liberating and alien, and the surprising softness she meets in the world now that she passes.

Shay brings grounded, compassionate clarity to topics most people whisper about—sex toys, fear of rejection, intimacy scripts, and why purity culture survives even though it’s barely 40 years old. Luigi opens up about his fear of being “a creep,” the emotional labor men carry, and the awkward social collisions that shape who we become.

The result is candid, funny, vulnerable, and deeply human.

Fact Check Correction: At the end of the episode, Ruby corrects her earlier statement about an “all-male queer warrior tribe in Africa.” While no such tribe existed, queer history is deeply rooted in many African societies—from Azande warrior culture to the gender-nonconforming ƴan daudu in northern Nigeria. Modern purity culture, by contrast, emerged much later—primarily in 1980s–1990s U.S. evangelicalism.

Topics: Sexology • Trauma Release • Consent • Dating Apps • AI & Intimacy • Queer History • Purity Culture • Gender Socialization • Trans Experience • Friendship • Romantic Connection • Psychology • Attachment Theory • Shame & Desire • Sex Toys • Body Autonomy

Guest: Find Shay at @creating_capacity_with_shay on Instagram. - Make an appointment with her at https://www.shayreesdavies.com/

Find Us: YouTube — @echoperspectives Instagram — @firefromheat TikTok — @heatfromfire