We hear it everywhere now: “Don’t set yourself on fire to keep others warm.”
But what does that actually mean in real relationships—and what happens when people use the phrase as a weapon to dodge accountability?

In this episode, Matt Campobasso makes the case that “setting yourself on fire” usually isn’t one dramatic sacrifice—it’s a pattern: apologizing first to smooth tension, saying yes automatically, rescuing people from consequences, and quietly resenting the very people you’re trying to love well. Matt shares a small but painfully normal moment at the dinner table that exposed his own reflex to comply, then breaks down why people-pleasing is often a nervous-system response rooted in a deeper hunger for value, safety, and belonging.

You’ll hear the “tells” that signal you might be running this pattern, the hard truth about covert contracts (“If I overgive, you’ll treat me well in return”), and a practical metaphor for the difference between heat (guilt, urgency, obligation) and light (clarity, steady support). Matt also tackles two key objections: how this phrase gets misused as a moral escape hatch—and why the real fear underneath people-pleasing is losing people when you finally stop overgiving.

Finally, Matt leaves you with micro-tools you can use immediately—like the Pause, the Guilt Timer, and “No without the trial”—so you can stay kind without combusting.

If your “yes” costs you peace, it’s too expensive.