In this episode (328), we address a powerful and heartbreaking question from a betrayed partner: how can her partner claim to love and choose her while continuing to have sexual thoughts about other women? We acknowledge the profound trauma this creates, especially given the timing during pregnancy and postpartum—a period of heightened vulnerability. The repeated disclosures of these thoughts have created a cycle of ongoing emotional injury, leaving her feeling humiliated, replaceable, and unsafe. We emphasize that her pain is valid and reflects real, cumulative trauma, not oversensitivity.

We then explore the nature of these thoughts within addiction, distinguishing between occasional intrusive thoughts and deeply conditioned patterns of scanning and objectification that develop over time. While these patterns may be rooted in addiction wiring, they still cause real harm and must be addressed through meaningful recovery work. A major focus is placed on the “double bind” of honesty—where partners feel trapped between needing transparency and being retraumatized by it. We introduce the concept of therapeutic honesty, explaining that effective disclosure must be contained, structured, and focused on recovery actions rather than detailed recounting of harmful thoughts.

Finally, we outline what true healing requires. For partners to heal, there must be stabilization—meaning the reduction of harmful behaviors and the end of ongoing re-injury. We also stress the importance of separating the addict’s thoughts from the partner’s worth, recognizing that his conditioning is not a reflection of her value. Rebuilding a sense of being “chosen” comes not through words, but through consistent, protective actions over time. We encourage partners to take control of the disclosure process, setting boundaries around what they hear, and remind them that their healing—not managing their partner’s recovery—is the priority.

For a full transcript of this podcast in article format, go to: He Says He Chooses Me... So Why Is He Still Thinking About Other Women?!

Learn more about Mark and Steve's revolutionary online porn/sexual addiction recovery and betrayal trauma healing program at—daretoconnectnow.com

Find out more about Steve Moore at: Ascension Counseling

Learn more about Mark Kastleman at: Reclaim Counseling Services