The Real Reason Couples Stop Having Sex (And How to Reconnect)

Why can two people deeply love each other and still feel completely disconnected—emotionally or sexually?

And why is sex still something so many Christian couples struggle to talk about?

Today we're joined by licensed marriage and family therapist George Faller, founder of the New York Center for Emotionally Focused Therapy and coauthor of Brave Love, Great Sex.

Before becoming a therapist, George served as a lieutenant in the New York City Fire Department, including during 9/11. And interestingly, that experience still shapes the way he approaches struggling marriages today:

Instead of running away from the fire, learn how to move toward it.

George helps us understand the attachment patterns operating both inside and outside the bedroom—and why what looks like anger, withdrawal, rejection, pressure, or defensiveness may actually be a signal pointing toward a deeper need for connection.

We're talking about:

• Why emotional and sexual connection can't be separated
• The attachment needs underneath conflict
• Why some spouses protest while others withdraw
• How self-protection creates negative cycles
• Why emotions are information—not problems
• How vulnerability creates connection
• Why rejection can create sexual anxiety
• Why repair matters more than never getting it wrong
• Why Christian couples need to get better at talking about sex
• How shame and purity-culture messages can follow us into marriage
• Why great sex isn't primarily about performance
• The importance of sexual communication
• Why pressure can shut down desire
• How pain and chronic illness affect sexual intimacy
• Why mismatched desire doesn't mean you can't have a fulfilling sex life
• What can happen to intimacy after 50
• George's four-step process for building a new cycle of connection
• How couples who have been disconnected for years can begin finding their way back

One of our favorite reminders from this conversation:

The goal isn't perfection. It's connection and repair.

If you've been avoiding conversations about emotional or sexual intimacy because they feel uncomfortable, this episode is an invitation to choose the discomfort that can actually take your marriage somewhere better.

Because you don't have to stay stuck in the same cycle forever.

Get George's book, Brave Love, Great Sex: Harnessing Attachment Theory for Passionate Relationships today - https://a.co/d/07GAsF8U

00:00 Meet George Fowler

00:55 From Firehouse to Therapy

03:47 Challenge Response Mindset

04:17 Why Brave Sex Talk Matters

05:48 Attachment Hats Explained

07:15 Sex as Connection System

09:34 When Touch Disappears

10:32 Pursue Withdraw Bedroom Swap

13:08 New Moves Replace Cycles

16:11 Signals Curiosity Caregiving

18:00 Vulnerability and Repair Skills

20:57 Best Sex Talk Questions

22:11 Purity Culture Fallout

23:11 Research on Great Lovers

24:10 Orgasm Gap and Anatomy

25:39 No Pressure Just Healing

27:24 Desire Gap and Better Sex

30:08 Connection Over Performance

30:43 Passion That Grows

33:07 Afterglow and Oxytocin

34:44 Chronic Pain and Brakes

37:50 Four Rs for Safety

39:52 Breaking the Cycle Together

41:24 Choose the Hard Conversation

42:14 Book Release and Farewell

There comes a point in parenting when you realize something terrifying:

You can't control your kids anymore.

They choose their own friends. They date people you may not choose. They make decisions about alcohol, sex, relationships, college, marriage, and eventually even their faith.

So what do you do when you can see where a decision might lead, but you can't stop your child from making it?

In this episode, Chris and Jamie talk honestly about one of the hardest transitions in parenting: moving from control to influence.

They share from their own parenting journey, their own stories of wandering far from God, and the biblical hope we have when a child's current chapter looks nothing like the ending we prayed for.

In this episode:

• Why control becomes an illusion as our children get older
• Why Proverbs 22:6 is wisdom—not a guarantee
• What Lois, Eunice, and Timothy teach us about sincere faith
• How Deuteronomy 6 changes the way we disciple our children
• Why good parenting doesn't guarantee good choices
• The danger of both pride and shame in parenting
• Why repentance may be one of the most powerful things your children see you do
• How to move from controlling your kids to influencing them
• Why curiosity works better than criticism
• How to talk about a relationship you don't approve of
• What to do when your child questions or walks away from Christianity
• Why natural consequences can sometimes be necessary
• What the Prodigal Son teaches us about letting go without giving up
• How to remain heartbroken and hope-filled
• Why your child's current chapter isn't necessarily their final chapter

And Jamie shares the powerful true story of a mother who prayed for her estranged son for decades—and eventually watched him come home to both her and Jesus.

Your job isn't to control every chapter of your child's story.

Plant faithfully.
Live your faith sincerely.
Speak truth in love.
Keep the door open.
Keep praying.

And trust the God who loves your child even more than you do.

00:00 Parenting Control Illusion

01:07 Kids Growing Independence

01:56 When Choices Scare You

05:03 Fear Versus Trust

06:39 Proverbs Not Promise

08:00 Faith Not Checkbox

09:20 But God Redemption Stories

12:32 Hope For Wandering Kids

14:48 Sincere Faith Witness

16:29 Shema Daily Discipleship

19:56 Pride Shame Repentance

22:39 Grace And Truth Approach

23:38 Emotional Entrenchment

24:20 Love With Boundaries

25:32 Teaching Wise Decisions

27:32 Let Consequences Teach

28:28 From Rules To Benefit

30:24 Curiosity Not Judgment

33:25 Faith Doubts And Deconstruction

38:54 Mission Field At Home

40:35 Prodigal Son Hope

45:09 Prayer And Final Charge

"My spouse will never change."

It's one of the most common frustrations we hear from married couples.

But what if we're asking the wrong question?

In this episode, Chris and Jamie talk about one of the hardest—and most beautiful—parts of marriage: marriage is designed to change us.

When two imperfect people share a home, a life, disappointments, responsibilities, vulnerabilities, and decades together, there's going to be friction. But that friction doesn't automatically mean something is wrong.

Sometimes it's revealing something.

Marriage can expose our pride, defensiveness, fears, control, unmet expectations, family-of-origin wounds, selfishness, and the places where God still wants to grow us.

Chris and Jamie also pull back the curtain on their own 32-year marriage and answer four questions about how marriage has personally changed each of them.

In this episode:

• Why your spouse today isn't the same person you married
• How Proverbs 27:17 applies to marriage
• Why healthy friction can produce refinement
• Four questions to ask each other about how marriage has changed you
• Why your spouse can trigger a wound they didn't create
• How marriage exposes hidden expectations
• What to ask instead of "Why does my spouse make me act this way?"
• Why biblical oneness does not mean losing yourself
• How conflict can move you toward understanding and healing
• Why the goal isn't simply for God to change your marriage—but to use your marriage to change you

Key question:
Instead of asking, "God, why won't you change my spouse?" what if we began asking, "God, who are you inviting me to become in this marriage?"

🎁 Get the four conversation questions from this episode in the show notes.

https://expeditionmarriage.org/podcast/ep-194-marriage-will-change-you-and-thats-the-point/

And if you recognize that some of your reactions began long before your marriage, grab our The Family You Came From guide and use code PODCAST20 for your podcast listener discount.

https://expeditionmarriage.org/courses/the-family-you-came-from/

00:00 Marriage Changes You

00:41 Why Spouses Do Change

02:30 Marriage Reveals the Heart

04:08 Iron Sharpens Iron

06:28 Sparks and Repeat Fights

08:23 Four Questions Setup

08:50 How We've Changed

12:43 Growth Areas to Work On

16:13 Unexpected Marriage Impact

19:52 Lessons Learned Together

22:09 Marriage as a Mirror

23:26 Stop Blaming Your Spouse

24:40 Search Me O God

25:08 Love Well Not Feelings

25:58 Boundaries And Change

27:05 Compromise Makes Us Win

28:04 Oneness Without Losing Self

29:48 Reset Unreal Expectations

39:11 Wounds And Triggers

41:41 Family Of Origin Patterns

44:06 Friction Becomes Refinement

47:38 Prayer And Final Charge