Episode 9 - Love Me #TinDer
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Episode 9 - Love Me #TinDer
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Setting: Packed bar, loud, chaotic energy. Gabriel Iglesias (DJ Fluffy) is at the DJ booth. Joe Santagato and Drew Lynch sit with Felicia at the bar.
Felicia (ranting): I’m done. I’m actually done dating.
Joe Santagato: You say that every time you open an app.
Felicia: No, I mean it this time. Online dating is garbage. It’s all arguing, ghosting, and people pretending they’re not idiots.
Drew Lynch: Yeah, it’s like a highlight reel of red flags.
Felicia: Exactly! And everyone acts like the problem started online. No. These people were already idiots. The app just gave them a profile picture.
Joe: That’s fair.
Felicia: I’m serious, Joe. The world is full of idiots. Dating apps didn’t create them—they just organized them. Like a convention. A stupid convention.
Drew: Comic-Con for bad decisions.
Felicia: Yes! And you think coming out to a bar is better? It’s not. It’s the same people, just now they’re drunk and mobile. Real life is just Tinder with gravity.
Joe: Tinder with gravity is dangerous.
Felicia: Exactly! You’re one bad decision away from getting physically swiped left.
(A drunk military dude nearby overhears and starts laughing.)
Military Dude: Ha! I’ll swipe right on this one!
(He stumbles over and grabs Felicia like he’s demonstrating something.)
Felicia: Hey—no swiping! I said no swiping! What are you, Swiper the Fox now? Back off, Dora’s done exploring!
(He tries to lift and “toss” her toward the dance floor.)
Felicia: Are you kidding me right now?! This is exactly what I’m talking about!
(Joe jumps up, grabbing her arm to stop it.)
Joe: Dude! This isn’t Tinder CrossFit—put her down!
(The guy lets go awkwardly, laughing. Other guys in the bar start mimicking the behavior, fake “swiping” and lightly tossing women around as a joke.)
Felicia: Oh my god—look at this! Look at this! This is my point! It doesn’t start online—it starts here! You’re all just proving me right in real time!
Drew: This feels like a lawsuit documentary.
(Gabriel cuts the music abruptly.)
Gabriel Iglesias (DJ Fluffy): Hold up! What is happening right now? Why are y’all playing real-life Tinder?
(He looks around, shakes his head, then smirks.)
Gabriel: You know what… fine.
(He hits play on Cupid Shuffle.)
Gabriel: Everybody to the left—but keep your hands to yourself!
(The crowd laughs and starts dancing instead of tossing people.)
(Drew jumps up, pointing and yelling.)
Drew Lynch: U-turn, jackasses! Turn around! That’s not gonna get you a date—it’s gonna get you a lawsuit!
(The crowd laughs harder. The chaos settles into dancing.)
(Felicia fixes her hair, completely unimpressed.)
Felicia: Thank you. Exhibit A. The world is full of idiots, and somehow I’m supposed to date one of them?
Joe: Odds are not in your favor.
Felicia: No, they are not. I’m not swiping anymore. Online, offline—doesn’t matter. Same idiots, different locations.
Drew: At least here you get a warning first.
Felicia: Yeah. Next time I’m staying home. No swiping, no dodging, no aerial dating.
Joe: Honestly? Safest plan I’ve heard all night.
(Gabriel turns up the music as the three watch the crowd dance like nothing happened.)
Felicia: This is why I’m single.
(Lights fade.)
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