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Ep9: Sticks and Stones

Ep9: Sticks and Stones

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Sticks and Stones — Show NotesEpisode summaryThis one starts with a playground rhyme and the two sentences my mother said, always in the same order, whenever I came home from school broken: sticks and stones will break your bones, but words will never harm you. And besides, it doesn't matter. You're better than them. It took me fifty years to notice that the two sentences don't agree with each other, and that the comfort was the confession.This is part one of two. It follows the training from a kitchen table in apartheid South Africa, where a mother handed her son the only medicine she had, out into a country that had written the same sentence into law. It's about what Terry Real calls the measuring stick, shame at one end and grandiosity at the other, and about the decades I spent paying rent on a position I couldn't afford to lose: the bigger car, the bigger house, the judgments that felt like discernment.I've held the resolution back for part two, along with a Saturday morning phone call that proved the training is still in me. Fair warning: it doesn't flatter me.What this episode is about- The two sentences my mother said after every bullying, and why the medicine she offered contradicted the comfort that came before it- Terry Real's measuring stick: shame and grandiosity as the same instrument held two ways round, and why every position on it has to be defended- Brené Brown's line between shame and guilt: I am a bad thing versus I did a bad thing, and why only one of them can repair- Growing up inside apartheid without seeing it: the vocabulary of the household, the man in white gloves, and what a successful training feels like from the inside, which is nothing- Maria, the woman who helped raise us, and the plane ticket that was my one childhood crack in the propaganda- The maintenance payments: how being better than replaces a child's worth with a ranking, and a ranking is a debt- Judgment as the sound of your own trial: why the judge who places others can never stop placing himself- The question handed to the reader: what did your better than cost you, and who sent the invoice?Lines worth sitting with"The comfort was the confession.""They are the same instrument held two ways round, and the moment you're on the stick at all, you're in trouble.""Apartheid was grandiosity with a legislature.""My judgment of others was never really about them. It was the sound of my own trial, running in permanent session."Read the original essayThe full written piece lives here:https://adrianmelrose.com/sticks-and-stones/The Featured Image was commissioned from one of my Mantra's - Nelson Mandela's very famous "It always seems impossible, until it's done" by Matthew Collings. Where to go nextWant to do this kind of work in a room with other people? My group spaces at 8Notes are built for exactly that — honest conversation, the Enneagram, and the questions worth sitting with, in good company. → https://8notes.co.ukWant to do it one to one? I coach individuals, men, and couples through my practice, Plain Talk Matters. The whole thing runs on a single conviction: clarity is kindness. → https://plaintalk.co.ukWant the writing in your inbox? New essays, readings, and the occasional unfinished question — no flatline living. Sign up to the newsletter here: → https://adrianmelrose.com/#/portal/signupAbout Adrian MelroseI write and coach about the inner lives of men, the cost of the masks we're handed young, and how clarity becomes a form of love rather than a weapon. I'm completing certification in Terry Real's Relational Life Therapy, draw heavily on bell hooks and don Miguel Ruiz, and have a book on the way — Silence Is Not Peace.The work shows up in a few places, depending on how you like to meet it:adrianmelrose.com — my writing home. Personal essays and the questions I'm still sitting with.plaintalk.co.uk — Plain Talk Matters. My 1:1 coaching practice. Clarity is kindness.8notes.co.uk — 8Notes. The same soul in a different shape: group spaces and community for people who want to do this work together, not alone.8notes.substack.com — the longer-form Substack, where the essays and series live and breathe.Same person, four front doors. Come in whichever one suits you.
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