エピソード

  • Progress Is a Spiral, Not a Staircase
    2026/08/04
    Why learning something new can feel like going backward—even when you're growing Why is learning something new so hard? And why does finding yourself in a familiar struggle make it feel like all the progress you've made has somehow disappeared? Maybe the technology changed, and suddenly you feel like you have no idea what you're doing. Maybe the names and faces in your relationships have changed, but the conflict feels painfully familiar. Maybe you thought you had already learned this lesson—so why are you standing here again? In this solo episode of Don't Cut Your Own Bangs, I'm talking about the discomfort of learning, the stories we carry about what we are and are not capable of, and why real progress rarely looks like a clean staircase leading steadily upward. More often, it looks like a spiral. We meet similar fears, patterns, and challenges again—but with a little more information. A little more awareness. A little more confidence. And hopefully, a little more compassion for ourselves while we figure out what comes next. I share my own very sweaty experience of trying to solve a video-editing problem that took roughly three hours, several searches, many slow clicks, and a strong desire to abandon the entire project. But when it was finally over, something new happened. Instead of only thinking, "That took forever," I was also able to recognize: I know a lot now. That effort became evidence. And when I faced the same task only a few days later, it took a fraction of the time—not because I magically became an expert, but because I was no longer beginning from the same place. I also share a powerful moment from a therapy session in which a client recognized that although a relationship pattern felt familiar, they were not meeting it as the same person. They were able to ask clearer questions, honor what they had learned, and move forward with greater self-respect. Because sometimes growth isn't never facing the same struggle again. Sometimes growth is seeing it sooner. Understanding it more clearly. Responding more gently. And shrinking the gap between feeling uncomfortable and knowing how to care for yourself inside that discomfort. In This Episode, We Explore Why learning something new often feels awkward, slow, and emotionally uncomfortableHow old stories about what you are capable of can follow you into new experiencesWhy "How?" and "What?" are often more helpful than shame-based "Why?" questionsThe difference between seeing progress as a staircase and seeing it as a spiral Three Things to Carry With You 1. Struggle Is Not a Personality Trait If the process feels slow, awkward, or uncomfortable, that does not mean you are bad at learning. It means you are asking your mind and body to move through something that's not practiced yet. The familiar patterns may feel like a smooth, freshly paved highway. The new ones may feel more like a rocky path through the woods. Both can take you somewhere. They just feel very different while you are traveling them. 2. Progress Doesn't Mean We Never Struggling Again We often imagine growth as a staircase. We learn the lesson. We move up. We never repeat the mistake. Then we move up again. Real learning is usually messier. It may bring you back to a familiar situation, but with more awareness than before. You might notice the pattern sooner. Ask a better question. Recover more quickly. Choose differently. Or simply offer yourself more kindness while you work through it. That still counts. 3. Let the Effort Become Evidence It is easy to look back on a difficult experience and focus only on how long it took, how messy it felt, or how much you wish you had done differently. But you also know more now. You have information, experience, and proof that you can carry into the next attempt. You can be a beginner and still be proud of yourself. Both things can be true. The Heart of This Episode Progress isn't about avoiding the struggle. Sometimes it's recognizing what's happening sooner and knowing how to meet yourself differently. You are not necessarily back at the beginning. The situation may feel familiar, but you are carrying information you did not have before. The Clip Moment The truth with a capital T is that learning something new feels more like a spiral than a staircase. Each time we meet a similar challenge, we may be able to make the connection sooner, see the situation more clearly, and shrink the gap between feeling discomfort and knowing what to do with it. Reflection Think about something in your life that currently feels frustratingly familiar. Then ask: What feels the same about this experience? And: What is different about the way I am meeting it now? You may be carrying more evidence of your growth than you have allowed yourself to recognize. A Gentle Practice When you notice yourself slipping into questions like: Why can't I figure this out?Why is this always happening?Why am I not better at this?Why am I back here again? Try shifting toward...
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    21 分
  • What If Your Exhaustion Is Trying to Tell You Something?
    2026/08/03

    Why am I exhausted all the time?

    If you've been asking yourself that lately, you're not alone.

    Maybe you've tried getting more organized, becoming more productive, or finding the "right" routine. But what if your exhaustion isn't asking for another planner or productivity hack? What if it's trying to tell you something?

    In this final episode of the You Were Never Meant to Live Like a Machine mini-series, therapist Danielle Ireland explores a different way of understanding burnout, overwhelm, and emotional exhaustion. Instead of treating your body like something to push through, what if you began treating it as a source of information?

    Through personal stories—including a summer filled with family challenges, unexpected detours, and learning to make space for both gratitude and overwhelm—Danielle explores what it means to trust yourself again, listen to your internal experience, and remember that your body has never been the enemy.

    Because maybe the goal was never to become someone who could carry more.

    Maybe the goal has always been learning to trust yourself enough to listen.

    In This Episode You'll Learn
    • Why exhaustion isn't always a sign that you're failing
    • How burnout can shrink your perspective—not just your energy
    • Why we've learned to trust our calendars more than our capacity
    • How delight can become a practice for rebuilding self-trust
    • A simple question that can help you reconnect with what really matters: What is this in service of?
    • Why your emotions aren't obstacles—they're information

    "Your body isn't betraying you. It's revealing the truth you've been too busy to hear."

    Reflection

    As you move through this week, notice:

    What have you been constantly talking yourself into?

    What have you been constantly talking yourself out of?

    Those quiet negotiations may be revealing something important about what you need, what you fear, and where you've stopped trusting yourself.

    Resources Mentioned
    • Treasured: A Journal for Unearthing You
    • Wrestling a Walrus
    • Speaking & workshop inquiries: DanielleIreland.com
    If This Episode Resonated...

    Share it with someone who's been carrying a lot lately.

    Sometimes the most meaningful thing we can offer another person isn't advice—it's the reminder that they aren't alone.

    Connect with Danielle

    🌐 Website: https://danielleireland.com

    🎙️ Podcast: Don't Cut Your Own Bangs

    📖 Treasured Journal: https://danielleireland.com/journal

    📺 YouTube: https://www.youtube.com/@DontCutYourOwnBangs

    📸 Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/dontcutyourownbangs

    🎵 TikTok: https://www.tiktok.com/@dontcutyourownbangspod

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    26 分
  • How to Say No Without Feeling Bad
    2026/07/27
    How do you set a boundary without upsetting people? You cannot control whether someone feels disappointed, but you can communicate your limits with honesty, warmth, and clarity. If the word no gets stuck in your throat—or you find yourself saying yes before you have checked your calendar, energy, or actual desire—this episode is for you. Sometimes the hardest part of setting a boundary is not finding the words. It is the fear that another person's disappointment will mean you have done something wrong. So, instead of simply saying no, you begin building a case. You explain your schedule. You list your symptoms. You offer supporting documentation, emotional exhibits A through F, and perhaps a photograph of yourself looking convincingly exhausted. All because a quiet part of you is saying: Please don't be mad at me. In this solo episode, Danielle explores why saying no can feel so emotionally loaded—especially for recovering people pleasers, people who are highly attuned to others, and anyone who has learned to measure their goodness by how available they are. You will learn why boundaries are not rejection, why your capacity matters as much as the empty spaces on your calendar, and how to communicate a clear no without becoming cold, harsh, or unkind. Because a boundary is not a punishment for somebody else. It is a commitment between you and you. In This Episode, We Talk About Why saying no can feel threatening even when the request is completely reasonableThe fear underneath overexplaining your decisionsWhy some people instinctively look outward to determine who they need to beHow people pleasing, attachment patterns, and family dynamics can shape your relationship with boundariesThe difference between having time and having capacityWhy an invitation can feel more like a blazing cast-iron pan without oven mittsThe hidden energetic cost of saying yes too quicklyWhy boundaries are commitments to yourself—not attempts to control another personHow to care about someone's feelings without becoming responsible for preventing themThree simple ways to say no with clarity and kindness Three Practical Takeaways 1. Check Your Capacity, Not Only Your Calendar Something may technically fit into an open hour without truly fitting into your life. Before answering, consider: preparation timetravel and transition timeemotional energyrecovery afterwardwhat else you are already carryingwhat this yes will ask of your future self The question is not only: Do I have time? It is also: Do I have the energy to do this without abandoning myself? 2. Match the Detail to the Relationship You do not owe every person the same amount of explanation. A close friend may receive more context because the intimacy of the relationship supports it. A casual acquaintance, distant contact, or unsolicited email request may only need: Thank you for thinking of me, but I can't commit to that right now. Kindness does not require complete access to your private life. 3. Practice One of These Three Responses Polite and firm: "Thank you for thinking of me, but I can't commit to that right now." Gentle redirect: "I don't have the capacity for that, but here is what I can offer." Clear no: "No, thank you." The goal is not to sound perfectly scripted. The goal is to have language available when your nervous system wants to panic, overcommit, or start preparing a courtroom defense for your exhaustion. The Moment Would you rather fake a medical emergency than simply say no? It sounds dramatic—until you remember the last time you gave someone six paragraphs of evidence to prove that your boundary was legitimate. Sometimes we do not explain because the other person needs more information. We explain because we are trying to prevent them from having a feeling about our decision. The Heart of This Conversation Boundaries are not rejection. They're clarity. A boundary does not mean: "I do not care about you." It may simply mean: "I am no longer willing to run myself into the ground to prove that I do." Danielle's Favorite Quote If everyone gets a yes from me, eventually there is nothing left for me. Another Line to Keep I can care about your disappointment without making it my job to prevent it. Reflection Question Where in your life are you currently offering a yes because you are afraid of what someone might feel if you said no? Before you judge yourself, pause and get curious. What are you afraid their disappointment would mean about you? A Gentle Practice The next time someone asks something of you, try not to answer immediately. Even if your instinct is to say yes. Even if the message has been marked as read. Even if you are already imagining the awkward silence. Try: "Let me check a few things, and I'll get back to you." That small pause creates enough room to consult the person who is often left out of the decision: You. Before you go Listen to the full episode for a deeper look at why saying no can feel so difficult, how boundaries protect ...
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    28 分
  • Is It Too Late to Start Over?
    2026/07/20
    Is it too late to start over? Maybe you're not wondering whether you're capable. Maybe you're wondering whether you've already missed your chance. If you've ever looked at your life and quietly thought... "I should have started sooner." "Maybe I waited too long." "What if I fail?" This conversation is for you. This week I'm joined by entrepreneur, community builder, and founder Martha Hoover—a woman who has reinvented herself again and again without waiting for certainty, permission, or the perfect moment. Together we explore what it really means to commit to something meaningful, navigate change, redefine success, and discover that beginning again isn't a sign you've failed... It may be the bravest thing you ever do. Whether you're considering a career change, wondering if your best work is still ahead of you, or simply trying to trust yourself enough to take the next step, I hope this conversation reminds you that you don't need every answer before you begin. Sometimes you just need to trust that you'll figure it out. In this episode we explore: • Why it's never too late to begin again • The surprising freedom that comes from letting go of perfection • How change becomes less frightening when you stop expecting certainty • Why comparison quietly steals joy—and how to stop measuring your life against someone else's timeline • The power of knowing your non-negotiables • Why creativity—not calm—is often the opposite of anxiety • Martha's unforgettable "stick shift" story that completely changed how I think about commitment. Three Takeaways 1. You don't have to know exactly how to do something before you begin. Sometimes commitment comes first. Confidence catches up later. 2. The goal isn't to avoid failure. The goal is becoming someone who isn't afraid to learn from it. 3. Your life doesn't end after one career. One identity. One dream. Or one chapter. You can always begin again. "If Plan A is meaningful enough, there shouldn't be a Plan B." Reflection Question Where in your life have you been waiting to feel ready... instead of simply allowing yourself to begin? If this conversation encouraged you today, would you take 30 seconds to help more people find it? Following the show on Spotify or Apple Podcasts, leaving a rating, or writing a quick review tells those platforms this is a conversation worth sharing. It's one of the simplest ways you can support the show, and it helps more high-functioning humans with big feelings discover that they aren't carrying all of this alone. Thank you for being here. Martha Hoover Won't Stop Hospitality https://www.wontstophospitality.com/who-we-are/ A Longer Table https://alongertable.org/ MSH Collective https://mshcollective.com/ Instagram https://www.instagram.com/msh_collective/ Danielle Ireland Website https://danielleireland.com Substack https://danielleireland.substack.com YouTube https://www.youtube.com/@DontCutYourOwnBangs Instagram https://www.instagram.com/dontcutyourownbangs The Treasured Journal https://danielleireland.com/journal Wrestling a Walrus https://danielleireland.com/wrestling-a-walrus Spotify https://open.spotify.com/show/0VFZulonTvaa2HIPyJa4Tq Apple Podcasts https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/dont-cut-your-own-bangs/id1427579922
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    1 時間 8 分
  • Am I Right to Feel This Way?
    2026/07/13
    Something feels off—but what if you're wrong about what you're feeling? Self-validation is the practice of naming what is true about your experience without dismissing it, or demanding that you immediately know what to do next. It can quiet anxious spiraling, calm self-doubt, and help your nervous system settle enough to find clarity. In this solo episode, therapist Danielle Ireland explores why we so often question our own feelings, how unanswerable "why" questions intensify anxiety, and why saying "I don't know" can be more grounding than forcing certainty you don't yet have. You don't need to prove that your feelings are reasonable before you acknowledge that they are real. Sometimes the most stabilizing thing you can say is simply: This is hard. This is what I feel. This is what I know right now. In This Episode You'll learn: What self-validation is—and what it is notWhy acknowledging your feelings does not mean agreeing with every thoughtHow anxious "why" questions create more uncertainty instead of clarityWhy "I don't know" can be an emotionally grounding answerHow naming the truth of your experience can calm your nervous systemA simple practice for moving from spiraling to greater self-trust Three Practical Takeaways 1. Name the experience before trying to solve it You don't have to know what happens next before you can acknowledge what is happening now. Try: "I feel scared." "This is disappointing." "I don't know what to do yet." A truthful statement with a period can be more regulating than another question your mind cannot answer. 2. Replace unanswerable questions with what you know Instead of repeatedly asking: "Why did this happen?" "Why haven't they called?" "What if I made the wrong choice?" Pause and ask: What do I know right now? You may know that you made the best decision you could. You may know you are breathing. You may only know that you do not know yet. That is still somewhere solid to begin. 3. Let your experience be real without making it anyone else's responsibility Validation means recognizing that your feelings make sense within your experience. It does not mean someone else must agree with you. It does not mean you know the entire truth of the situation. And it does not mean your feelings get to make every decision. It means your experience belongs in the conversation too. The Clip Moment "The truth, no matter how hard, is the right kind of hard—and arguably more certain and more settling than any beautifully told half-truth." The Heart of This Conversation The hardest part is not always the feeling itself. Sometimes it's the fear that you are not allowed to trust it. Self-validation helps you stop fighting for permission to have your own experience. It gives you a place to stand before you know what to do next. Pull-Over-the-Car Insight Your body responds to truth. You may still have work to do after admitting what is real. But clarity often begins the moment you stop negotiating with your own experience. Reflection Question What is true about this for you—even if you do not yet know what to do with that truth? Take a breath before answering. And if the answer is: "I don't know." Try following it with: "What do I know?" A Gentle Next Step If this episode helped you put language to something you have quietly been carrying, share it with someone who may need permission to believe their own experience too. Follow or subscribe wherever you listen so you never miss a new conversation. And if the show has helped you feel more understood, leaving a rating or review is one of the most generous ways you can help another high-functioning human with big feelings find their way here. Listen, Connect, and Explore Website: https://danielleireland.com/ Substack: https://danielleireland.substack.com YouTube: https://www.youtube.com/@DontCutYourOwnBangs Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/dontcutyourownbangs The Treasured Journal: https://danielleireland.com/journal Wrestling a Walrus: https://danielleireland.com/wrestling-a-walrus Listen on Spotify: https://open.spotify.com/show/0VFZulonTvaa2HIPyJa4Tq Listen on Apple Podcasts: https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/dont-cut-your-own-bangs/id1427579922 Before you go. If this conversation helped you feel a little clearer or a little less alone, follow Don't Cut Your Own Bangs wherever you listen. It makes sure you never miss an episode, and it helps more high-functioning humans with big feelings find these conversations too.
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    20 分
  • The Best Thing That Never Happened to Me
    2026/07/06
    What happens when the life you planned disappears—and something even more meaningful begins. What if the hardest thing you've ever lived through wasn't the end of your story—but the beginning of becoming someone you never would have met otherwise? There are moments in life that divide everything into before and after. Sometimes it's a diagnosis. Sometimes it's grief. Sometimes it's becoming a parent, losing a relationship, changing careers, or waking up one morning and realizing the life you imagined isn't the life you're living. The details are different. The question is the same: Who am I now? If you've ever found yourself wondering whether you'll ever feel like yourself again, I think this conversation is for you. This week on Don't Cut Your Own Bangs, I'm revisiting one of my favorite conversations with magician, speaker, TEDx presenter, and storyteller John Kippen. John walked into the hospital expecting answers. Instead, he received a diagnosis that would change every part of his life. He had no way of knowing that saying yes to a life-saving surgery would also mean saying goodbye to the face he'd always known, the future he'd imagined, and the version of himself he thought he'd always be. He thought he was fighting to save his life. He didn't know he was about to discover it. What followed wasn't simply a story of survival. It became a story of grief, healing, identity, connection, and discovering that the most meaningful parts of ourselves sometimes emerge only after life asks us to let go of the plans we thought we needed. In many ways, the greatest magic trick John has ever performed wasn't on a stage. It was learning to love the person he became after everything changed—and sharing that hope with others. In this episode, we explore: • Why major life changes often leave us asking, "Who am I now?" • How grief and possibility can exist in the same season. • Why curiosity can become one of the kindest ways to meet change. • What it means to stop chasing the life you imagined and begin discovering the one that's unfolding. • How self-acceptance becomes possible, even after life changes in ways you never would have chosen. One sentence from this conversation has stayed with me ever since: Sometimes the greatest magic isn't becoming who you used to be. It's discovering there's still so much of you left to meet. I have a feeling I'll carry that one for a long time. Maybe you will too. Reflection Where in your life are you still measuring yourself against a version of the future that no longer exists? What might become possible if you allowed yourself to get curious about the person you're still becoming? The Heart of This Conversation Sometimes surviving isn't about finding your way back to who you used to be. It's about discovering there's still so much of you left to meet. If this conversation resonates... My hope is that every conversation leaves you feeling a little more understood, a little less alone, and a little more curious about yourself. If this episode brings someone to mind, I'd be honored if you'd share it with them. Sometimes the right conversation arrives at exactly the right time. If you're enjoying the podcast, subscribing and leaving a review on Apple Podcasts or Spotify is one of the best ways to help more high-functioning humans with big feelings discover these conversations. Connect with John Kippen Website: https://www.johnkippen.com/ Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/johnkippen/ Connect with Danielle Website: https://danielleireland.com Substack: https://danielleireland.substack.com YouTube: https://www.youtube.com/@DontCutYourOwnBangs Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/dontcutyourownbangs The Treasured Journal: https://danielleireland.com/journal Wrestling a Walrus: https://danielleireland.com/wrestling-a-walrus Listen on Spotify: https://open.spotify.com/show/0VFZulonTvaa2HIPyJa4Tq Listen on Apple Podcasts: https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/dont-cut-your-own-bangs/id1427579922
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    54 分
  • What is your frustration telling you? (Repost)
    2026/06/29

    "If what I want is for someone else to respect my time, then maybe I'm the one who needs to respect my time first."

    Oof.

    That realization hit me right between the eyes.

    Have you ever noticed how quickly frustration turns into a story about someone else?

    The person who cancelled.
    The coworker who dropped the ball.
    The partner who isn't helping.
    The kids who need one more thing.

    And sometimes that's true.

    But sometimes the thing you're frustrated with isn't actually the problem.

    "Your frustration isn't the problem. It's the clue."

    Sometimes frustration is the moment your needs, boundaries, exhaustion, or truth have been trying to get your attention for a while—and you've been too busy carrying everything else to hear them.

    In this solo episode, I'm unpacking two frustrating experiences from my own life and walking you through the exact process I use to understand what frustration might actually be trying to tell me.

    Because emotions aren't the problem.

    They're information.

    And frustration is one of the most revealing emotions we have.

    Together we'll explore why frustration almost never stands alone, how it can point us toward unmet needs and hidden truths, and a simple framework you can use to move from irritation to clarity.

    In This Episode

    • Why frustration is always trying to tell you something

    • The surprising difference between being frustrated with someone else and being frustrated with yourself

    • How irritation can reveal needs you've been overlooking

    • Why emotions work like an internal compass

    • A simple reflection process you can use anytime frustration shows up

    • The powerful shift that happens when you stop asking "Why am I so frustrated?" and start asking "What is this trying to teach me?"

    Three Takeaways

    Your frustration isn't the problem. It's the clue.
    Frustration often points toward something important that needs your attention.

    Sometimes frustration is what happens when you've abandoned yourself.
    Not intentionally. Not dramatically. Just quietly, one small compromise at a time.

    Emotional clarity begins with curiosity.
    The goal isn't to get rid of the feeling. It's to understand what it's trying to show you.

    Reflection Question

    What would your frustration say if it trusted you enough to tell you the truth?

    Before you go...

    If this episode felt like a conversation you needed today, would you share it with someone who might need it too? Follow the podcast, leave a rating or review, and help more high-functioning humans with big feelings find a little more clarity, connection, and calm without having to earn it.

    Links & Resources

    Website:
    https://danielleireland.com

    Substack:
    https://danielleireland.substack.com

    YouTube:
    https://www.youtube.com/@DontCutYourOwnBangs

    Instagram:
    https://www.instagram.com/dontcutyourownbangs

    The Treasured Journal:
    https://danielleireland.com/journal

    Wrestling a Walrus:
    https://danielleireland.com/wrestling-a-walrus

    Spotify:
    https://open.spotify.com/show/0VFZulonTvaa2HIPyJa4Tq

    Apple Podcasts:
    https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/dont-cut-your-own-bangs/id1427579922

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    22 分
  • The Best Thing That Never Happened To Me
    2026/06/22
    Have you ever looked at your life and thought: "This isn't what I pictured." Not necessarily bad. Not necessarily wrong. Just... different. A different career. A different timeline. A different version of yourself than the one you imagined years ago. And somewhere underneath all of that, a quiet question: What if I missed my chance? This week's conversation has stayed with me long after we stopped recording. My guest, Eli Martinez, spends his days leading wildlife safaris around the world, photographing sharks, whales, crocodiles, anacondas, and some of the most breathtaking places on earth. But what struck me most wasn't the wildlife. It was a story about a fractured hip, a dream that didn't work out, and the surprising realization that not becoming a professional bull rider ended up giving him a life he never could have planned for. The more we talked, the more I realized this episode isn't really about sharks. It's about grief. It's about letting go of the future you thought you'd have. It's about curiosity. And it's about what becomes possible when you follow curiosity faster than disappointment. In this conversation, we explore the healing power of nature, why understanding creates connection, what happens when life takes an unexpected turn, and how some of the greatest gifts in our lives arrive disguised as detours. 3 Things You'll Take Away From This Episode • Sometimes the thing you're grieving is making room for something you couldn't have imagined yet. • "Something's wrong" is often where emotional awareness begins—not where failure begins. • You don't always need a new plan. Sometimes you only need enough curiosity to take the next step. Clip Moment "Not becoming a professional bull rider was the best thing that never happened to me." Shareable Quote "Sometimes 'something's wrong' is where emotional awareness begins." Pull-Over-The-Car Insight The thing that broke your plan might be the thing that gives you your life. Reflection Question What dream, timeline, or version of your future are you still grieving—and what might become possible if you loosened your grip on it just a little? If This Episode Resonated If this felt like a conversation you needed today, share it with someone who might need it too. Follow the show wherever you listen so you don't miss next week's episode, and if you've been enjoying the podcast, leaving a rating or review helps more people find these conversations. Connect with Eli Martinez Website: https://sdmdiving.com/ Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/sdmdiving Connect with Danielle Website: https://danielleireland.com Substack: https://danielleireland.substack.com YouTube: https://www.youtube.com/@DontCutYourOwnBangs Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/dontcutyourownbangs The Treasured Journal: https://danielleireland.com/journal Wrestling a Walrus: https://danielleireland.com/wrestling-a-walrus Listen on Spotify: https://open.spotify.com/show/0VFZulonTvaa2HIPyJa4Tq Listen on Apple Podcasts: https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/dont-cut-your-own-bangs/id1427579922
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    57 分