WARNING: Contains explicit language, royal filth, and zero smelling salts

Dive into the INTRODUCTION of Tarquin the 3rd: The Royal, the Corgis Refused to Lick

The darkest, filthiest "biography" you'll ever hear (because reading it might require therapy and a stiff brandy).

Meet Tarquin Archibold Barnaby Wilfred the Third: dumped at birth in a black bin-liner because his face made the midwife scream, the Queen retch, and even the corgis back away, whimpering. "Too fucking ugly" for the palace, but perfect for orphanage beatings, council estate hustles, jizz-mopping in nightclub bogs, and a tragic OnlyFans wank in a royal-crested sock.

Narrated in Tarquin's own foul-mouthed goblin voice, this audio snippet is just the royal dump – the full book gets even darker, twistier, and more depraved.

If you laughed, winced, or reached for the bleach... smash that LIKE button, SUBSCRIBE for more ugly bastard storytime, and grab the book if you dare:

Available soon from Indigo Ink Books (or wherever they hide the vulgar stuff)

Visit www.OwenCroft.com and sign up for the latest releases and other filthy stuff.

No corgis were licked in the making of this video. No royals were warned. Viewer discretion advised – especially if you're posh.

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