Donald Trump talked about “young, beautiful girls” coming to the White House. Repeatedly. Meanwhile, New Mexico is suing Trump’s Justice Department over access to unredacted Epstein files. Then things get even stranger when the internet got a load of Trump's backside, igniting a firestorm of speculation.

In Episode 28 of Breaking Absurdity:

• THE “YOUNG, BEAUTIFUL GIRLS” — Trump repeatedly describes the women coming to the White House, while offering some… unusually specific commentary about the people who thank him.

• THE EPSTEIN FILES — New Mexico wants access to unredacted Epstein-related documents from Jeffrey Epstein’s former Zorro Ranch. Sadly, the call apparently went to voicemail.

• TRUMP WANTS STEAM — The administration wants future aircraft carriers to use steam-powered catapults instead of the Navy’s modern electromagnetic launch system. Revolutionary 1940s technology!

• THE USS ABRAHAM LINCOLN — Reports describe food shortages, deteriorating conditions, poor morale and plumbing problems aboard the carrier after more than 250 days at sea. But apparently there’s one resource in plentiful supply: testosterone.

• TURTLE WATCH — Mitch McConnell hasn’t made a public appearance since June 14. We’re keeping an eye on the turtle. • WHERE’S MELANIA? — Melania Trump has made relatively few public appearances this year, with her last reported public appearance on July 19. • THE STRAIT OF HORMUZ — Trump suggests treating the strategically important waterway as U.S. territory.

• AI MICRODOSES MUSHROOMS — An Australian woman reportedly discovered that an AI-generated medical record claimed she was microdosing mushrooms.

• WHITE HOUSE EXODUS — Karoline Leavitt, David Warrington and others are among the departures and changes prompting questions about turnover inside the White House. • TRUMP’S RUMP — And finally, the internet has questions about the strange-looking bulge visible underneath the right side of Trump’s suit jacket. Is it a box? A mysterious object? Something else entirely? We have no idea. But apparently the internet has theories.

This is Breaking Absurdity — everything you didn’t know you needed to learn today, and will quickly wish you hadn’t.

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