Content Note: Sexual abuse, family trauma, therapy processing, strong language, intense emotional content

Video Summary

This live piece cuts to the bone of what trauma recovery actually looks like. When your brain works differently. And your body never forgets.

What happens when you finally see yourself clearly in a therapist's mirror?When rage becomes the only honest response to betrayal? When family protection fails and the body becomes your only witness?

Studies report as many as 75% of all adult autistics have experienced trauma. And specifically sexual trauma? From 60 to 75% across a lifetime.

No therapeutic jargon. No sanitized healing narratives. Just the raw truth that most trauma content won't touch. In plain, direct language that doesn't hide behind disease-based, diagnostic terms.

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Key Themes Explored:

* Childhood sexual abuse and the body's persistent memory

* Family dysfunction and protective failure

* Therapy processing and breakthrough moments of clarity

* Autistic self-recognition during trauma recovery

* Rage as a healing response to violation and betrayal

* The witness within - how the body always remembers

Who This Speaks To:

* Trauma survivors seeking authentic voices about recovery

* Adult autistics processing childhood experiences

* Family members trying to understand complex trauma dynamics

* Therapists and counselors working with neurodivergent trauma survivors

* Anyone who knows that healing isn't linear or pretty

Discussion Starters:

* How does neurodivergence affect trauma processing and memory?

* What does authentic trauma recovery look like beyond inspiration narratives?

* How do family systems enable or prevent healing from abuse?

* When does rage become a necessary part of recovery?

Connect:

Share your thoughts on trauma, healing, and truth-telling below. Hit subscribe for more unfiltered autistic perspectives.

Full Transcript

A son no more. Yet the body abides.

This one's a little rough for me. Maybe for you. Trauma. Well, it's it's a fucking bitch, too.

The Body Abides

"Like I told you

Nothing really happened

Can't sleep is all..."

He repeats his view,

"The body watches.

The body ALWAYS

Fucking watches."

"Yeah, he kissed me

Fathers do that.

Yeah, it was weird but..."

He whispers me,

"Your body, your witness.

And this witness ALWAYS

Fucking watches."

Then he leans in…

"What if he'd kissed

your sister's lips...?"

"I'd fucking kill him."

That's when...

i see me

in his mirror

watching myself

watch my self

transparently autistic

a son no more,

yet the body...

abides.

images, never shared

images… never dared

hard, wet, frantic

fumbling… bare

rage

dark rage

Screaming RAGE

i'd fucking kill him

fucking kill him

kill him

him.

i rise...

so

slowly

and fucking smash that mirror

i rock, i sway…

i rub one red eye.

i stand, I stare…

I sigh, I say,

"My body watches

The body ALWAYS

Fucking watches…"

into a mirror staring nowhere

As I close his office door...

I abide.

#AutisticAF Out Loud Newsletter is a reader-supported publication. Click below to receive new posts and the free PDF of “every clock is a handgun pointed at my head.” To support my work, please consider choosing a paid subscription.

👉 Subscribe… free or paid… to Substack, get a free PDF of the entire "every clock is a handgun pointed at my head" collection.👉 Support my work → Available as Amazon ebook or softcover. Exclusive hardcover edition coming soon.

Content Note: Strong language, neurodivergent struggles, communication barriers

Video Summary

A raw piece that captures what it feels like to be autistic and ADHD at 71—trying to communicate through the static and distortion of a damaged system.

Plain, direct language. No hidden meanings to decode. Just the real experience of feeling like "a brilliant creative soul trapped in a damaged body and neurology."

Using the metaphor of a short-circuiting transistor radio, this piece asks the question every neurodivergent person knows: "Do you understand at all what I mean?"

Content Note: Strong language, neurodivergent struggles, communication barriers

Key Themes Explored:

* Communication barriers that autistic and ADHD people face daily

* The transistor radio metaphor for neurodivergent expression through "static and distortion"

* Feeling trapped between brilliant inner life and damaged external systems

* Seeking understanding from other neurodivergent people

* AuDHD experience (autism + ADHD) at 71 years old

* The struggle to "just be heard" through intermittent short-circuits

Who This Speaks To:

* Adults with autism, ADHD, or both (AuDHD)

* Anyone who feels misunderstood or struggles to communicate their inner experience

* People seeking authentic neurodivergent voices without academic filtering

* Those who relate to feeling like their "wiring" interferes with expression

* Readers interested in metaphor-based understanding of neurodivergent experience

Discussion Starters:

* Do you relate to the transistor radio metaphor for neurodivergent communication?

* How does it feel when your internal experience doesn't match what others see?

* What metaphors help you explain your neurodivergent experience to others?

* Have you found your "tribe" of people who understand without explanation?

Full Transcript

Well, I feel closer to the spoken word tradition than poetry. I I just ain't that fancy. This first one, I thought I'd start with uh a metaphor, something that autistics see right away, and I think it will help uh this autist.

So, this is

Dancing Close to the Edge of the Noise

# asking AUDHDists.

Bear with me a minute. I'm autistic plus ADHD.

I feel like a a brilliant creative soul as if trapped in a damaged body and neurology.

um trying to communicate with the world through an intermittently short-circuiting transistor radio playing through static and the distortion and sparking circuits to just be heard.

Do you understand at all what I mean?

# actually autistic# ADHD# really AUDHD.

This free podcast is supported by listeners like you. Please like and share. It's the biggest thing you can do to help all neurodivergent voices beat the algorithm.

Connect:

* Share your own "transistor radio" moments below

* Tag an AuDHDist who gets it

* Hit the bell for new releases in this 5-week spoken word series

#AutisticAF Out Loud Newsletter is a reader-supported publication. Click… free to receive new posts and "every clock" PDF. To support my work, consider choosing a paid subscription.

Free Resources & Purchase Links

👉 Subscribe… free or paid… to Substack, geta free PDF of the entire "every clock is a handgun pointed at my head" collection.

👉 Support my work → Available as Amazon ebook or softcover. Exclusive hardcover edition coming soon.

Content Note: Strong language, mental health struggles, time anxiety

Video Summary

A live piece that cracks open what it really feels like to be autistic in this world.

No sanitized inspiration porn. No academic bullshit. Just the real lived experience. In plain, simple language. With no hidden meanings to decode.

About the time anxiety. The grief. The moments of transcendent peace we may find… alone… in the flow.

Content Note: Strong language, mental health struggles, time anxiety

Key Themes Explored:

* Time anxiety and deadline pressure that many autistic adults face

* Sensory overwhelm from constant notifications and time pressures

* Nature as sanctuary and healing space for neurodivergent minds

* Authentic autistic experience without sugar-coating or toxic positivity

* Mental health struggles with honesty and vulnerability

Who This Speaks To:

* Adults discovering or living with autism

* Anyone struggling with time anxiety and deadline pressure

* People seeking authentic mental health poetry

* Those who find peace in nature and solitude

* Readers interested in neurodivergent perspectives on daily life

Discussion Starters:

* How does time pressure affect your daily autistic experience?

* What spaces or practices help you find relief from overwhelming expectations?

* Do you relate to the contrast between societal time demands and natural rhythms?

Full Transcript

So now, uh, we maybe know each other a little better. Let's cut deeper.

My time, it can't be measured. Not a dimension. It's a force.

A violent force.

every clock is a handgun pointed at my head

III

Every clock is a handgun pointed at my headEvery tick, tick… fucking tickTolling Fear, Doom… dreadClick. Slide. Cock… click.

Every night a mantra echoes through my headTV static… a crazy-making humSinging Dream, Drempt… dead…Not done. Not done. Not done… undone.

10, 9, 8… Dread7, 6, 5… Fear4, 3, 2… BEEP.Shoot the moon… or the country next doorCountdown. Deadline. Bow down… dead.

Bound behind doors, bound in my headPace, paces, pacing… pacedEvery BEEP.Of the phone.Stops…my heart....I crash out with a scream for escape

II

Woods

Deep woods

Deepest woods

My ears flyfrom bird songto bird song.

A raptor circles then spiralsCrossing lines now dead

Wind steals my breathTaking words never said

This skin bag of atmosphereBreathes new air

When the sun risesFirst it is coolThen it gets warmThe day passes

Clouds above my head.Shaped by wind

Outside my bodyThe same wind

Inside my bodyThesameWind

Yet…

I

10, 9, 8… Dread7, 6, 5… Fear4, 3, 2… BEEP.Shoot the moon… or the country next doorCountdown. Deadline. Bow down… dead.

Every clock is a handgun pointed at my head

zero

Connect:

* Share your time anxiety experiences below

* Hit the bell for new releases

#AutisticAF Out Loud Newsletter is a reader-supported publication. Click… free To receive new posts and “every clock” PDF. To support my work, consider becoming a paid subscription.