Agent Kelm season one. Cake printer. – Episode 13: grief appliance . Aunt Karen. The original. Shows up in every box, like background radiation. She’s always helpful. Always maternal. Always in the way. Last week, I entered a dream shaped like a gas station bathroom. Karen was the sink. The deceased was hiding in the mirror. I killed them both. Nothing personal. My job is restoration through termination. I’m not paid to make friends. I’m paid to end lives that refuse to admit they’re over. If I stay in too long, VITA pulls me out. That’s the failsafe. She doesn’t ask questions. She reads vitals, sets thresholds, and panics on schedule. She’s the only woman who’s ever yelled at me for not dying fast enough. I weigh 400 pounds. So does everyone. The pod was made with forgiveness in mind. Weight limit’s 600. I consider myself considerate. They used to give us therapy after missions. A room with soft lights, soft voices, soft lies. Now they just hand me a form that says “Did you terminate with honor?” I check the box. I always check the box. Because if I’m inside your dream, it’s already over. That’s not cruelty. That’s policy. What a pitch. Straight from the brochures. Welcome to EchoCorp™ – Because 'Goodbye' is Just a Licensing Term. - Mandatory renewable Still grieving? Still weeping? Still hoping the meat part of your loved one would stand up and apologize? - Reward system for the grieving. - - Includes tiered mourning rewards for grief compliance and emotional consistency. - - Grief and mourn now with instant gamification and monthly bonuses. - - Grievance+™ - - Currency: Remembrance Points (RPs) - - “Earn RPs just for showing up to your trauma.” EchoBox™ – your federally authorized solution for memorial continuity and managed grief. Powered by the Morpheon-6 processor: Optimized for guilt loops and long pauses. - 128TB Emotional Caching: Because your feelings deserve storage. Not respect. - Dual-core empathy emulator. Still fails the Turing test. Daily. - Firmware v88.2 includes CryFilter™ — auto-mutes the sobbing if it gets repetitive. - Redundant soul buffers (RSB): In case you try to love again. EchoBox™: monthly firmware updates included. - Each update promises fewer bugs. And delivers more features you didn’t ask for. - Now with changelog summaries no one reads and patches no one notices. - Update 6.9: fixed a crying loop. Introduced spontaneous laughter during funerals. Features include: - Real-time conversation loops with 82.4% lifelike accuracy* - Full Sunday Stream™ support (8 hours of uninterrupted semi-conscious engagement) - Smart Nostalgia™: AI-curated childhood memories... mostly accurate - Adaptive Guilt™: Because closure is a process. A very expensive one. Our patented BioRemembrance Gel™ replicates the scent, sound, and sighs of your former relative, now rendered in glorious 16-bit personality matrices. Choose from our optional add-ons: - Forget-Me-Not Floral Projector™ (project ghost lilies every 6 hours) - The WhisperLoop™ (gentle, guilt-laden reminders of who you let die) - Aunt Karen Autopilot™ (now with boundary override) Need help deciding what services are best and mandated? Don’t worry. - Pre-approved by your therapist, your HMO, and a suspiciously silent AI panel. - Covered by most major emotional insurance providers.* - *Includes annual Mourning Credits and one (1) Redemption Token. - Pre-authorized for all households. - Plan B includes access to our Soft Goodbye™ service – fewer tears, more automation. EchoCorp™: Say goodbye. Or don’t. We’ll help either way. *Lifelike accuracy not guaranteed in drift-state regions or corrupted sequences. *Low interaction You’re not just getting peace of mind. You’re getting a premium, government-certified grief appliance that might love you back. ”