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あらすじ・解説
TAYLOR SWIFT is replaced by KATY PERRY as captain of the WHITE BITCHUS. OHH. That's what happened. Because let's be honest, what is scarier than either of them? Answer: their even whiter fan bases. THE SWIFTIES form a small militia and revolt the decision to overturn the organization and reinstate TAYLOR TWIFT to her former position, which she has made clear; she does not want. Her fans, the swifties, however, do not seem to actually care genuinely about Taylor, her opinions, or outlook on things and not remarkably or surprisingly at all, just kind of have their own agenda and previously instilled beliefs— The Katy Perry fandom, though slightly more aged and less willing to participate in an all out war, begin to stage a defensive coup in order to protect their chosen leader. I liked Miley best as captain. NOBODY WANTS THIS JOB, I likes It. Fuck this. No. Are you kidding me. No. Look, I'm sorry! Nobody else wants to do it. Gee, I wonder why! How about lady Gaga? She's not eligible! (My mom helped write this joke.) JIMMY KIMMEL [an escalating crescendo] AssaaaaagggggggggGggggghhHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHGGGGGGGGHHHHH !!!!!! I wanna run through marina del ray I want a house in the Palisades But I Knew that 5 years ago I knew that five years ago I want a shack out in Malibu Just to surf the ocean blū But I Knew that five years ago I knew that five years ago Before it all burned I hope we all learned our lessons Surf God has a sense of humor But I was the butt of the joke I want a Condo in Santa Monica Invite my friends over for Barbie volleyball Throw my whole world in the fire pit But I knew that five years ago I knew that five years ago When you realize The world is your instrument But it still hasn't earned you a cent You're still in the hole Warning back what you spent By the microinscremwnts The city people are you as excrement But you just laugh and you sample them Play them like instruments back Perhaps flattery begs them to listen Suddenly you're visible Museam world— Exhibitions Entertainers Comedians Mice and men Interesting remienxe Should I even be in this language Or should I make it more intimate With melodies? I hit play on a classic And my peloton becomes the office I'm suddenly at work, God Petulance for relevance spanning generations Thank you! Still it takes enough to get it in to you As out of you Can't help t but agree to that Eyeliner! I like it thick around the freckles faces And light ashy eyelashes Over moonlike eyes You know I like it Long hair! Headliner! Why am I inside you? Better yet— Why have I died? Eyeliner, headliner I like it thick around moonlight eyes I like it Old timer, headliner— I like it thick around eyes like Zion Eyeliner, I like it Ashes You're the worst; There are circle k's and 7/11s How was my run on Broadway? Who's the pope now? I hope you choke now There are subway central's And sauces and really hard bosses to fight But I don't want to I'm in south central And I'm still with you From always to oblivion I've been moving for at least an hour But I have no power here Drop a house on me In the hills, if you will And if the winds change, There's still New York What a page turner I live at Rockefeller Plaza There's an apartment above my office There's a notebook For every love I've ever known In the oak There's a something caliber gun in my slumber I clutch with the crutches I took from the hospitals Can't hop the turnsltyle now Can't hop the turnstyle now Hahaha Who art thou, Art monster Who are you now that I care too much to notice The problem was The doves only flew up or a moment before landing on my shoulder That was awkward They were supposed to fly away TV HOST HEY!!!! HEY!!!! HEYYYYYYYY! But which host is it? All of them. All of us are running for our lives All of us are running after Carson, and Paar All of us are stars, But on polaroids not often captured Gone and then away into disaster That's the effect of the Cannon Canon cameras? James Canon?! Laugh harder cause you have to! Laugh stronger cause the studio is frozen, And you want to go home now! It wasn't as fun as you throught And the set is much smaller in real life Now clap and hold for applause Big smiles Big smiles Extra points if you run miles before you show up- Now that's a shiny after thought; Not your average robot Or prototypical tourist! No! A nonconformist and Kimmel can't sing for shit, So he can just hum this verse. (Sorry, I peaked— No homo) Now, I dissect Holiday, I was sure I inspired the Broadway show But who doesn't inspire a rock opera I conspire to conspire, unpire, emporer I studies Agamemnon I wasn't really sure but the frog in my throat said Go on, go on— So I just cried and sucked in my stomach harder I don't want a— SETH MEYERS I don't want a tuna sandwhich! Just take the tuna ...