Recently I have felt nothing when I am painting and creating posts. Part of it, I believe, is sleep deprivation. But I think another part of it is the disillusionment I experience whenever my creative endeavors don’t produce the results I want. The difference between this time and others is that I know, for me, lack of emotion does not mean I am unfulfilled or unhappy with my actions. So I keep painting and typing.

Pictured here: Part of my keyboard case, my keyboard, and my mouse on my desk.

Each canvas I hang up— no surprise— expands my view of my office. I recently removed my “doctorate” and replaced it with a couple pages from the Codependent No More workbook I’m slowly reading. These small, weekly-ish changes haven’t made me more interesting to news outlets or helped me pay a bill. But they have brought smiles to my face and repeated senses of peace and contentment. Every single time I see my pink gaming chair and pink standing desk, I feel more at home in this room.

Pictured here: My iPad, little Bluetooth earbuds, and my mirror with me and my phone in the mirror.

I once spoke with a music producer who, when I told him I wanted my main career to be a singer, told me it can be a good thing to not have music as my full time job. I was upset at the time, but now I understand a bit more what he means. There is no ideal job. It’s unrealistic to think that if I could earn a living doing xyz then I would never have stress or financial concerns or a schedule that doesn’t over- or underwhelm me. And every day I work on a painting, post a Short or edit a post is one I get to delight in the thing for itself and what joy it brings me (and hopefully you, too).

Picture he: My painting on the floor, Grey’s gray.

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