Surprisingly 60% of all marriages in the UK last 20 years ( I would have thought it was much less). The average is about 13 years. As people get older death becomes the primary reason for a marriage ending, rather than divorce.45% of all marriages last 30 years and 25% last 40 years +. In the last group typically, the couple must have met in their 20’s and then both survive in their 60’s and 70’s. Of course, the stats relate to their legal position rather than if they are still happy being married ! That’s called ‘ an empty shell marriage’

If a wife dies after a long and happy marriage it is a traumatic event for the husband ( or visa versa).It’s not one emotion, it’s a tsunami of grief. The depth of loss can touch every part of his being. Typically, he his feeling, profoundly sad and empty ( like an ache) ,shock and disbelief (with a feeling of numbness) loneliness and isolation and then panic and anxiety ( after losing his partner in crime). I know a few people who died shortly after their partner died, having seemingly lost the will to live. There is also a loss of purpose. For a man he may have been the husband and the provider but no longer. He may feel guilt (the ‘If only’ syndrome),anger (her leaving him before he could say goodbye) and a sense of injustice ( why them ?).There might also be a sense of relief if his wife had suffered from a long illness, not the case with my song. All this usually leads to what the doctors call ‘brain fog', a consequence of suffering immense trauma. Then of course there are the children to consider, friends and the extended family. Many men throw themselves into work as a way of coping. He might also lose some of his social network now that his wife has gone. Getting over or better still learning to live with the grief is difficult. For two years the grief is acute, then there is 3 years of gradual acceptance, then a new normal after 5 years. When her death becomes part of their story, rather than the story.

My song ‘ Not time to tell her’ is about man who suddenly loses his wife after along and happy marriage. Hopefully it reflects some of the emotions described earlier. The song start s, ’The end came quickly, no notice. Like an accident or her illness. No time to tell her I loved her. No last moments to share. No way, to reminisce, or care. I wasn’t ready for the shock. I was stunned; I couldn’t talk’. I suppose that sums up the shock of the whole event.

The song continues, ‘No longer a couple, that’s over. Died suddenly, after so many years. Please God, say she had nothing to fear’ and then there is more, ‘You never know when it happens. Now everyone has their questions. No last chance, to reassure her. To tell her how I feel. What my life has been. I hope she felt the same’. I suppose on the one hand friends and family want to ask questions to show they care, but on the other hand don’t know what to say and might makes things worse. The sad and desperate chorus kicks in , ‘ Died suddenly, after so many years. Please God, say she had nothing to fear’ He is such a caring man that even now he worries about her last moments and if she was scared. He then feels guilt, ‘I just need to say sorry. I hope she thinks it’s OK. The sadness lives with me, every day’. The comes a period of reflection when he reveals he could have done better when she as was still alive. He sings, ‘When was the last time, I said I love her. Why did I let this happen. Why wasn’t it more often. As if our time, was frozen’- I suppose not telling he loved her for some time, must be hard to accept. He goes on ‘I took her for granted. Left her alone and stranded. I know what she meant to me. If I had the chance, she’d see’ He wants to find a way to say sorry singing, ‘Could I say sorry with a kiss. Hold her again, make one last wish’ Alas its all too late. Now he shouts out ,’The house is now lone

Support the show