DeHuff pitches a bold cinematic vision where the hero solves crime by exclusively shooting bad guys in the junk, instantly dividing America. GameStop’s “Trade Anything Day” goes off the rails with reported trade-ins that include a goose and a bobcat, inspiring Cowboy to pitch his own completely unhinged trade-in ideas.

In a rare moment of generational unity, DeHuff finds himself agreeing with Gen Z on one thing: spending less money during the holidays might actually be smart. “Jason Statham” (not really) weighs in on an English man fined for spitting out a leaf that blew into his mouth, because bureaucracy is undefeated.

The mysterious object 3I Atlas flies past Earth within 167 million miles, prompting Connery to send a heartfelt goodbye message to any potential aliens — while absolutely throwing humanity under the bus.

Sports:
Patrick Mahomes tears his ACL as the Chiefs are eliminated from playoff contention. Philip Rivers returns from retirement with a serviceable performance, while Cam Newton loudly reminds everyone that he wanted the call from the Colts. The Denver Broncos clinch a playoff berth, and Tony Romo stops by with his trademark commentary.

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