What happens when one of the first things you’re told after a Down syndrome diagnosis is to grieve the child you didn’t have?

In this episode, we take a hard look at that phrase, where it comes from, why it’s been so widely repeated and why we feel it’s outdated and harmful. We unpack how these words can shape a parent’s mindset, feelings and the initial relationship they build with their child.

This conversation is part of a larger discussion about the kinds of advice parents often receive in those early moments. Well-meaning, perhaps, but not always aligned with the lived experiences of families raising children with Down syndrome.

We explore what needs to change and what parents actually need to hear instead. Honesty, possibility and support without assumptions.

If you’ve ever questioned the narratives surrounding disability or want to better understand how language impacts families, this episode invites you to rethink what we’ve long taken for granted

Episode Transcript: https://ifweknewthen701833686.wordpress.com/2026/05/28/199-being-told-to-grieve-the-child-you-didnt-have/2/

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Summary:

In this episode of the If We Knew Then podcast, hosts Stephen and Lori Saux discuss the harmful and outdated advice often given to parents following a Down syndrome diagnosis: the instruction to "grieve the child you didn't have." Key themes from the discussion include: The Inappropriateness of Forced Grief: The hosts argue that telling new parents to grieve is a form of bullying that ignores the immediate reality of their child’s life and potential (0:45 - 2:20, 14:00 - 15:45).

They emphasize that this mindset can rob parents of precious time and create unnecessary, negative expectations. The hosts address the popular essay "Welcome to Holland," which compares the experience of parenting a child with a disability to taking an unexpected trip to a different country. While acknowledging the original author's intent to bring visibility to Down syndrome in 1987, the hosts find the metaphor harmful because it perpetuates the idea that their child's life is a "consolation prize" or a disappointment (31:00 - 32:30, 35:20 - 38:00).

Lori and Stephen advocate for moving away from narratives of loss. They suggest that instead of grief, parents should be offered support, resources, and an appreciation for the reality of their child's unique life (18:15 - 19:15, 42:45 - 43:30).

Throughout the episode, the hosts stress that nobody has the right to define a child's future or dictate a parent’s emotional response (27:00 - 28:30).

They celebrate the strength, honesty, and capability they have witnessed in their son, Liam, and encourage other parents to ignore societal stereotypes and focus on building a genuine, loving relationship with their child (28:30 - 30:00, 42:30 - 43:30).