Meet Rhonda and Kristy—two sisters so wild, so strange, and so hilariously unpredictable, they turned childhood into a full-contact sport. In How Come My Sisters Are So Ugly?, Michael J. Melton delivers a riotous, heartfelt memoir that’s one part love letter, one part roast, and all parts funny.

From the moment Rhonda was born with a villainous pompadour and a scowl that terrified the delivery nurse, and Kristy announced herself to the world by licking a microphone at a toddler pageant, things have never been normal. These two sisters launched glitter wars at church, hosted backyard revivals with pudding-based communion, declared themselves President and Vice President of the playground, and once converted a kiddie pool into a spiritual arena called “The Church of the Holy Backyard.”

Inside this laugh-out-loud collection of true(ish) stories, you’ll find:

A science fair project that nearly caused a biohazard alert involving a mutant pickle

Kristy’s brief but passionate career as a raccoon impersonator Rhonda’s failed presidential debate with a juice-box tyrant

Sub-Snackmarines and snack zeppelins

Glitter baptisms, pudding trials, and a dog that may or may not have been baptized against its will

“Operation: Ugly Is the New Pretty” (led by Kristy with a glue gun and questionable ambition)

A backyard “Survival Games” birthday party that turned into a small-scale war zone

And enough sibling mayhem to terrify seasoned parents and delight listeners everywhere

But underneath all the chaos, there’s a real story of love, forgiveness, and the kind of family bond that can only be forged through weirdness, war paint, and the occasional weaponized snack.

If you’ve ever had a sibling, survived childhood, or just needed a good laugh—you’ll love every insane, heartwarming minute of this unforgettable audiobook.