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From the New York Times bestselling author of The Push, a bold, unputdownable story of motherhood, desire, betrayal, and loss told by a mother after her own death.
“All those moments in life that mark a before, and an after. Before the death of me, and after. Before they knew the truth of what happened, and after.”

Fiona stares up at the faces of her husband, Adam, and their children. They’ve found her on the hallway floor. The double doors slam on the ambulance, and Fiona watches it take her body away—but how can that be, if she’s still here in her home, with her family? That’s when she realizes her worst fear has come true: Fiona is dead.

In the days that follow, Fiona moves quietly among them, as they become increasingly suspicious about her death, and each other. Everyone seems to be hiding something—her depressive husband, her devoted best friend, her estranged younger sister, her precocious six-year-old son, and most of all, Fiona herself.
That is, until her teenage daughter discovers Fiona’s diary—and the stunning betrayal she was hiding.

Exploring the performative identities of womanhood, the cost of being good, and what we owe ourselves and each other in the face of desire, Ashley Audrain's daring, thought-provoking novel asks: will you find who you really are, before you die?
'Nobody delves as deep into the guts of motherhood as Ashley Audrain; she really is in a league of her own' Lisa Jewell

© Ashley Audrain 2026 (P) Penguin Audio 2026