Hey folks.

In this episode, I chat with a dear friend of mine, Kristina Haddad, who lost the love of her life to suicide just over 2 years ago. Though we don’t talk about details, the topic is still triggering for some so I’d like to offer that content notification.

She shares the following resources that have been integral to her survival process:

Alliance of Hope

Refuge in Grief

No Time to Say Goodbye: Surviving the Suicide of a Loved One by Carla Fine

Please also check out Brett’s Bass Fund. Nominations for bass lessons open this Sunday, October 1st!

In addition to being an actor, acting coach, and climate activist, Kristina is also a beautiful writer and this has been one of the most important tools helping her live from moment to moment in this unparalleled grief. She’s been gracious enough to allow me to share her most recent writing here, about her trip to Portugal.

“I cried in the airport, on the plane, watching the kaleidoscope of colors in the sky, watching couples entwined in the narrow alley ways, watching the water lap on the shore, hearing the hum of Hallelujah playing by a street performer on a cobblestone bridge. The Fado music. How ironic. My brain uttering silently: ‘what happened?’ I could imagine exactly what he would be doing, saying, observing, eating, drinking, thinking. The quirkiness, the characters, the richness of the landscape. The bird on the horse. Perched. The dragonflies. Everywhere. Survivor guilt. It’s real. And at the same time, I cried seeing my friend enveloped in abundant love — a beautiful sight.  Soothing moments, elusive, etched their way in. The co-existence. I guess I will flatly state. I have yet to feel joy. But I do feel love. I have yet to feel lightness, but I do feel love. I have yet to feel release. But I do feel love. And the deepest unbending sadness and longing. And a profound sense of awareness of every moment. In the middle of night, staring out the window at the streetlights reflecting off the water, faint drunken laughter in the distance. I’m present. And yet. It’s like half of me is gone. But the half that still exists is fighting for love. And yet still — I wonder 24/7 how is this possible, is this real? Did this really happen? Where are you? I guess that’s the best way to describe it. Shock. Still. 49 months out. I melted down at Terminal 5, gate 37 at London Heathrow. I couldn’t control it. I was saddled with bags. And souvenirs and stuff and there I was — and I saw people stare as tears streamed. I bit my lip and looked away. The pain is impenetrable. How is it possible to be here without you? And yet here I am.”

xxAlex

Hey everyone,

I’m really excited to share this interview with Brandon Rumaker (they/them) on the podcast. Brandon is a playwright, tarot reader, performer, and creative facilitator and is truly overflowing with wisdom and experience and hope when it comes to complex trauma. I’m so grateful for their time and hope you learn as much as I did. Here are some of the resources they mention in the show:

My Grandmother’s Hands by Resmaa Menakem

The Myth of Normal by Gabor Maté

The Body Keeps the Score by Bessel Van Der Kolk

Spiritual Shit podcast with Alea Lovely

I highly recommend listening to their interview on the Second Adolescence podcast too.

Thanks for listening and I hope you’re having a good week.

xA

Hey everyone!

Welcome to season 2 of My Acronym Life which I’m now hosting over on my Substack newsletter, the CPTSD Diaries.

To kick things off, I did an interview with a dear friend of mine, Amy Conway, who actually introduced me to CPTSD in the fall of 2018. I think her story of how she approached complex trauma through art and research is both brilliant and inspiring.

If you’re in the Portland, OR area, check out Ramona Street Art Farm where you can sign up for Amy’s weekly produce boxes and enjoy music and art performances.

Cheers,

Alex